Um…not really sure about this one. Maybe I should skip it and come back later. Oh! I know- I am going to start referring to my husband as The Dude, which I think is funny. Anytime I can amuse myself I feel like that is good.
The Dude and I are not in good shape. Last night we talked on the phone because he is out of town all this week and it was another tense phone call. It is weird, I have a husband who cannot stop telling me how much he loves me and how much he wants to be with me despite what I have done (I was talking to another man- NOT sexing, just talking. But it is still a big deal, I know). But instead of being grateful and sorry and loving in return, I have no feelings. I cannot say the things The Dude wants me to say to him because I don’t want to say things that are not true. I don’t know if I want to be with him anymore. He is a wonderful person but I cannot picture a happy fulfilled life for us in the future we are just too different. I think…
We are going to go to counseling on Saturday when he gets back, but I am not hopeful. I don’t want a divorce, but I don’t want to stay where I am either.
I have feelings for another man (the same guy I referred to above). I have not admitted this to anyone else at this point, and I don’t think anyone will necessarily read this either. But it feels real to write it down. It feels scary. It feels bad. I feel bad, like a bad person. Maybe I am.
I should also say that I am not some fantasy driven dreamer. I realize that me and this other person will not work out and I cannot exchange one man for another. Things don’t work that way, I get it. But the fact that I have feelings for someone else other than my husband, isn’t that a sign? Shouldn’t I be extremely worried about this?
I am terrified.