Mom and Boys

Figuring it out one day at a time.

Seeking the Wrong

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1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame.

2 Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness; turn your ear to me and save me.

3 Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.

4 Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked, from the grasp of evil and cruel men.

5 For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD,
my confidence since my youth.

Psalm 71:1-5

I would love to say that the Lord has been my refuge the last few weeks, but in all honesty He has not.  God, as always is constantly seeking me, it is I who has been hiding.  I have been hiding from God because I know I have sinned.  I have been hiding because I am distressed and hurting.  And most of all I have been hiding from God because I don’t want to hear what He has to say.

That is a crazy thing to admit, but the truth could not be any more blatant.

I am a cheater.  I cheated on my husband.  I didn’t have a physical relationship with someone else, which is something I keep feeling the need to say- as if that makes things better (actually I think it does), but in times of trouble I took comfort in the conversation of someone else.  I still am.

God doesn’t fit into that.  This is not ok, but I do not want to be faced with that reality.  Instead of working through my marital problems by finding refuge in Jesus and seeking him for counsel (among counselors), I am staying away, and taking comfort in someone else. It is not easy to say that.  I don’t want to sin, I don’t want to hurt anyone, I don’t want to feel hurt, but I think, on some crazy level this is making me happy.

But it’s not.

I am wandering, and hurting, and lost.  And instead of seeking the one person that I need, Jesus, I am hiding from him and desperately reaching out for anything else that will keep me above water.

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