Without fail lately I have been rousing both children and heading to church every Sunday morning.
It has been a few months since I have gone to church so faithfully and I wish I could say it was solely for my desire to grow in my relationship with God.
I need to get out of the house.
Maternity leave has a way of secluding you from the rest of the world.
My friends are at work.
I can’t join a mommy group and make new friends because I only will be home and able to attend for 6 weeks.
Oh…and there is that new infant, the whole point of maternity leave, who really shouldn’t leave the house a whole lot.
Come to remember, small babies are rather needy.
And although I will, have, and am not ashamed to breastfeed in public. It is easier in the comfort of our home where I can just whip out a tit without any form of modesty or consciousness.
I have been going.
It is funny how God can lead you somewhere when you most need to be there. I truly believe he can.
He knows things. He reaches you where you are.
Like maternity leave.
But we are involved in a series on the book of Mark and three Sundays ago our paster spoke on the wilderness.
The wilderness being a real crappy place in your life.
And I got to thinking, am I there? Am I in the wilderness?
Sometimes I think so, but other times not so much.
I feel lucky a lot of times. Specifically every night when I pray over my little Linc I feel so lucky. Thanking God for such a beautiful boy does not even begin to reach the depths of my gratitude for such an amazing gift.
But there are other aspects of my life right now that feel very “wildernessy.”
Finances are my wilderness as well as my relationship with Isaac.
Isaac and I can’t seem to make it work despite the fact that we love each other. And financially, ends just don’t meet right now and that is stressful.
When you don’t have enough money to actually pay all your bills it becomes a stressful game of faking it.
I can honestly pay all of my bills on time without actually making enough money to cover my monthly expenses just by being very crafty about when I pay each bill.
It’s a science and a skill that I have honed through necessity.
And to be honest I am pretty proud of myself for figuring it out.
But one wrong move, one bill paid to early, one unexpected expense, and the whole house of cards falls.
And when you are alone you shoulder the stress of this situation alone. And go figure, it’s lonely.
So sometimes this feels like my wilderness, but I don’t want to jinx it because I know things could get so much worse.
And there are things so much more valuable to me than the thought of a late bill.
Maybe I just need to be thankful.
Maybe that is the lesson God needs me to hear.
“I have given you so much Heidi, be thankful”
I have two beautiful children.
Wonderfully supportive parents.
My children have a loving father.
I have two funny, do-anything for you brothers.
A very good job.
Be thankful. Be thankful. Be thankful.
This isn’t a wilderness, this a surplus.