God Knew

So Isaac and I had our “dating” conversation on Saturday night.  And I decided that my first independent activity would be to go to church(although I did ask Isaac to come with).

I have not been to church in about a year.  When I was married my husband and I attended a church that I loved.  The message was right on, the people were great, and I was an active member in the children’s ministry.

But when Joe and I’s relationship started to crumble I moved out of our house and stopped attending our church.  I have never been back.

I was embarrassed that my marriage was falling apart.  And I didn’t want people to reach out to me.  I was hiding from God and my church community.

So today I went to a church that I have never been.  And it was great.

The funny thing is that todays service was all about relationships.  And  the pastor spent almost the entire service talking about how God feels about cohabitation and how it does not lead to the marriage and relationship that He strives for us to have.  (The pastor made this great graph demonstration that I will try to show on here because it was really helpful visual for me).

But I just thought it was amazing how God knew what I needed.  Of all the times for me to decide to go back to church and all the churches I could have attended and all the topics the pastor could have spoken on.

And somehow this Sunday’s message was all about me and what is going on in my life right now.

God knew.  And God cares.

So we’re dating???

So Isaac and I chatted.  And we were actually civil.

We decided to start dating. (Today was our “first” date- he invited himself over for the Chief’s game).

We have been living together and neither of us are even sure how that happened.  It just did.  We went straight from our marriages to each other and we never had time to date like a normal couple.

Maybe this is what we need.

He can get his space back and I can feel independent again.

Hopefully by doing this we can learn to like each other again instead of just loving each other.

There are some logistical concerns with this dating thing that I think will be a pain.  Mainly, Lincoln’s daycare is right next to Isaac’s work.  So the plan was that Isaac would take him on his way to work, well…that doesn’t work anymore.  I am going to have to wake up even earlier and drive Lincoln and meet Isaac halfway to exchange Lincoln, and then drive back in the direction I came to head to work.

Whew!

I am tired and annoyed just thinking about it.

This sucks.

I have had a tough weekend.

I feel like I am putting so much effort into making my relationship with Isaac work.

I am trying.

I don’t want to be in a relationship where we fight every other day.  I just can’t be a part of that anymore.

And I think I played a huge part in our arguments before, but I stopped. I have been doing everything in my power to avert an argument.  I have made a concerted effort to put everyone’s needs above mine.  When I disagree with something that is going on I have suppressed my feelings.  And when I have been angry with something, I have made a serious point not to take out my anger on Isaac and have tried to get comfortable with the fact that sometime things just don’t work out the way I want them to.

I am not saying I have been perfect, far from it, but I am trying and doing much better.

But it’s not working.  Isaac is still angry with me.  I feel like I am doing everything in my power to do right by him but it is not enough.

And at what point does trying to be loving and do what is best for others become being a doormat.  Because I feel like I am there- or almost there.

I know Isaac loves me.  But I honestly don’t think he likes me anymore.

It sucks (sorry for my lack of vocabulary) but it absolutely sucks.

I want to make this relationship work so badly.  I am doing everything in my power to be everything he needs.  I love Isaac.  He is a good person and a great father.  I have fun with him and I always enjoy being with him.

But I don’t think he feels the same way towards me anymore.

It sucks. It sucks.  It sucks.

I can’t feel like this anymore.  I can’t fight every day.  I can’t try so hard and fail all the time.

I want this, but at what point is it not worth it.  At what point is this destructive to everyone involved.

And I’m Off…

Today I am leaving.

I have left a lot this summer.  It seems to be the trend.

If I am going to be honest, it has a lot to do with not wanting to be home.

Things are rough. Marriage is rough.

And I don’t know if I can do it anymore.

I just need to get away and think.

I need to get away with good friends and people I trust.

So hopefully I can find myself again.

The North Woods of Wisconsin has been a sanctuary for me in the past.  A place where I can find myself.  Find God.  See God.  Talk to Jesus.  Listen to his voice in my life.

A place of solitude, and of peace.

I will journal everyday, I will read, and I will write.

It is not that I do not have time to do those things here, I have loads of time in the summer.

There is just too much noise.

Be still and know that I am God. – Psalm 46:10

I think that verse is taken out of context a bit, but it still makes tons of sense to me.

I need to be still.

And I need to know.

Not necessarily that there is a God, but I need to get reconnected to Him in my life.

Be still.

The plan is to canoe and camp.

I’m psyched.