This is hard.

Sometimes life sucks.

I have the two loves of my world to always be thankful for.

But when the little ones sleep,

and the quiet takes over.

Sometimes life just sucks.

I am stuck with my thoughts.

Missing someone who is not right for me.

Wanting him,

But being so angry with him at the same time.

Hurt.

Hurt, angry, lonely, and missing him.

Wanting him here.

We could watch Tosh.O

He could mess with my feet.

And eat crappy food.

Talk about how cute Linc is.

And love on Baby Bowen.

But I am here.

Hurt, angry, and alone.

But I know it is what is best.

It is such a confusing feeling when what is best for you in the long run, sucks so bad in the right now.

That is why we keep going back to each other.

We can’t ever fully live in the hurt.

We keep going back to the instant gratification of being together,

Even though it isn’t what is best.

The relationship part of my life is just so bruised and broken.

I don’t feel I will ever truly recover.

I have screwed it up too bad.

Made too many mistakes.

Fallen in love with someone who will never be right.

Lost myself somewhere along the way.

I need to heal.

But sometimes healing is more painful than the actual injury.

I need to pray.

 

Take the anger first Lord.  It is nothing but sour.

Take the hurt next.  My heart cannot take much more.

And fill the loneliness with nothing but you God.  For everything else is a facade.

If you are truly the Prince of Peace, reign over me now.

Sit with me when I am lonely.

Cherish with me, these moments I find so dear.

Draw close to me Lord, for I need a friend.

 

Similar Posts: Getting Used to Being Lonely Our Last Ride Friday Night Alone Again

Dear God, I can’t find my Sperry’s

I have seriously looked everywhere.

From the dryer to under my covers.

I checked every toy box,

every cushion,

and under all the clean clothes piled on the laundry room floor.

They are gone.

I even called Isaac at work to ask if he may have taken them the other day when he was here.

Nope,

apparently 6 foot 3 Isaac has very little use for my shoes.

So what did I do,

I called my mom and I prayed.

But it got me thinking, does God care about my lost Sperry’s?

It’s hard to say,

clearly my mental health is linked to these shoes.

These are my only non-work shoes,

and I like them.

For one day this week I wanted to leave the house and look like a semi-normal person.

And truth be told there is very little that doesn’t make me look fat right now other than shoes and head bands.

My self-esteem is riding on these Sperry’s

But,  although this is important to me,

it is still a little bit of a first-world-problem.

Okay, it is completely a first-world-problem.

People have way bigger issues than my lost pair of shoes.

So does God care?

I’m not sure to be honest.

I know he cares about me, and I guess that is the important thing.

But my Sperry’s,

I can’t believe I can’t find my Sperry’s.

My problem with stay-at-home moms and the church.

I have issues.  (I am sure Isaac would enthusiastically back me up on that statement).

Why is it that every women’s bible study is mid-week in the middle of the day?

I have moved my fair share and as a result gone to several different churches.

This is always the case.

The older I get and the more desperate I have become to forge friendships with people my own age and a similar station in life, the more frustrated I become.

I would love to be a part of a women’s bible study.

I would love to be in the fellowship of other Christian women.

But the church does not offer this to women like me.

I work.

It has come to my attention that the church assumes two things:

1. All Christian women must not work during the week.

2. All women or men have copious amounts of childcare options unless you are attending a church event mid-week in the middle of the day.  AKA women’s bible studies.

Seriously?  This pisses me off (I know, my language sucks).

The only way you can attend a women’s bible study is to be a stay-at-home mom, retired, or unemployed.

I’m angry, I’m left out, and I am jealous.

Maybe us working moms should just attend the men’s Bible studies that always seem to happen on Saturday mornings.

Oh wait, no childcare (they have women at home to do that for them)….

As I said, I have issues.

Discount on fish???

I’m an idiot.

The other day I was on the phone with Isaac while going through some sort of drive-through for dinner (mom 0f the year), when I asked…

Me:  “Was there some sort of discount on fish this month?  I feel like every place I go is advertising fish, did some fisherman just hit it big and sell a bunch of fish to all these fast food joints?”

Isaac: “Seriously?”

Me: “Yeah, haven’t you noticed?  It’s like fish is the new Whopper.”

Isaac: “No Heidi, the fast food places did not just get a huge discount on fish…it’s for lent.”

Me: “Oh….I am an idiot.”

An Easy Burden

Matthew 25: 28-30

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

When I read these verses this morning I was comforted but also pretty frustrated.  It is wonderful to think that God loves us so much that he will carry our burdens for us, but really, how does that work?

I can pray, and take my concerns to God.  But I don’t feel a burden lifted off my shoulders.

Should I?

I am comforted by the fact that God has my back, but my crap is still my crap, and it didn’t just disappear because I said a prayer.

I am still worried about my relationship.  I still don’t know where money to pay for daycare is going to come from.  I still struggle find my place in Jacob and Jordyn’s life.  I still feel extreme guilt for my actions, and all this still affects my life on a daily basis.

The weight of these stressors is still on my shoulders.

This does not feel like a light burden!

I’m sorry.  Maybe I am a lousy Christian (actually I am pretty sure that is true) and maybe my faith is completely lacking.  But I don’t feel better after taking my problems to Jesus.  I’m still stressed.

These verses in Matthew sound great, but I am not feeling it.  I don’t understand, and I certainly don’t feel like my burden is any less.

Help me!  How do I get to this point of peace?

 

The sin I wear.

Over the last 24 hours I have been thinking a lot about sin.  I have this amazing talent when it comes to sin, I am incredibly brilliant at noticing other people’s sin,  specifically other Christians.

Amazing isn’t it?

With that said, it is easy to see that I have my own inner vat of sin just leaking out of me at every chance it gets.  The thoughts really kill me.  The fact that my sinful thoughts are just as bad in the eyes of God as my sinful actions is completely disturbing.  Is there no reprieve?

One thing I always pride myself on (theirs another one, pride, I’m on a role), is that I know my own sin.  I fear that if you lain me down on a table and cut me open down the chest, you could visually see my black, bruised, sinful heart crawling with maggots and oozing with complacency.  I can feel this inside me, I know that it is there.

I am aware.

But I have come to think that being aware is not enough.  Being comfortable in the sin that I possess is dangerous. It is not enough to say “I am a prideful person, I am judgemental, and I gossip.  But that is just the way I am “.  I should be struggling with this.  Sitting around admitting that this sin exists in my life and then depending on God’s grace and love IS NOT ENOUGH.

It is not enough for me to know.

I know.

I need to be struggling.  Everyday struggling.

If I am not struggling, I am not growing.

“Each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed”  -James 1:14

And I’m Off…

Today I am leaving.

I have left a lot this summer.  It seems to be the trend.

If I am going to be honest, it has a lot to do with not wanting to be home.

Things are rough. Marriage is rough.

And I don’t know if I can do it anymore.

I just need to get away and think.

I need to get away with good friends and people I trust.

So hopefully I can find myself again.

The North Woods of Wisconsin has been a sanctuary for me in the past.  A place where I can find myself.  Find God.  See God.  Talk to Jesus.  Listen to his voice in my life.

A place of solitude, and of peace.

I will journal everyday, I will read, and I will write.

It is not that I do not have time to do those things here, I have loads of time in the summer.

There is just too much noise.

Be still and know that I am God. – Psalm 46:10

I think that verse is taken out of context a bit, but it still makes tons of sense to me.

I need to be still.

And I need to know.

Not necessarily that there is a God, but I need to get reconnected to Him in my life.

Be still.

The plan is to canoe and camp.

I’m psyched.

Supporting the habit: Does it matter?

Drug addict, alcoholic, lazy, whore, useless, unmotivated, dirty, and gross.*

Bum.

Beggar.

This is an uncomfortable situation.

When I come across homeless people begging (which is not often where I live) I feel awkward, empathetic, frugal, and guilty.  And in pretty much that order, but I always want to give.  I think this is why it is so awkward.

Because I know.

Or at least I think I know.

That the money I give is going to drugs.  The money I give is going to alcohol.  The money I give is going to feed the man’s dog.

But who cares.  Even if I know this for a FACT does it matter?

Should this keep me from giving?

No.

At least I don’t think so.  Even if I know.  It does not matter, at least I don’t think it matters to God.

I think we have been called to give no matter what the circumstances.

It doesn’t mean I always do.

I am just saying that deep in my gut, I believe I always should.

I believe that this is what we have been called to do as Christians.

Love without judgement.

“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

“The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’

Mathew 25:31-40

* I quickly want to note that I don’t think everyone who finds themself homeless has a drug or alcohol problem.  Not even close.