Mom and Boys

Figuring it out one day at a time.


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This is hard.

Sometimes life sucks.

I have the two loves of my world to always be thankful for.

But when the little ones sleep,

and the quiet takes over.

Sometimes life just sucks.

I am stuck with my thoughts.

Missing someone who is not right for me.

Wanting him,

But being so angry with him at the same time.

Hurt.

Hurt, angry, lonely, and missing him.

Wanting him here.

We could watch Tosh.O

He could mess with my feet.

And eat crappy food.

Talk about how cute Linc is.

And love on Baby Bowen.

But I am here.

Hurt, angry, and alone.

But I know it is what is best.

It is such a confusing feeling when what is best for you in the long run, sucks so bad in the right now.

That is why we keep going back to each other.

We can’t ever fully live in the hurt.

We keep going back to the instant gratification of being together,

Even though it isn’t what is best.

The relationship part of my life is just so bruised and broken.

I don’t feel I will ever truly recover.

I have screwed it up too bad.

Made too many mistakes.

Fallen in love with someone who will never be right.

Lost myself somewhere along the way.

I need to heal.

But sometimes healing is more painful than the actual injury.

I need to pray.

 

Take the anger first Lord.  It is nothing but sour.

Take the hurt next.  My heart cannot take much more.

And fill the loneliness with nothing but you God.  For everything else is a facade.

If you are truly the Prince of Peace, reign over me now.

Sit with me when I am lonely.

Cherish with me, these moments I find so dear.

Draw close to me Lord, for I need a friend.

 

Similar Posts: Getting Used to Being Lonely Our Last Ride Friday Night Alone Again

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An Easy Burden

Matthew 25: 28-30

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

When I read these verses this morning I was comforted but also pretty frustrated.  It is wonderful to think that God loves us so much that he will carry our burdens for us, but really, how does that work?

I can pray, and take my concerns to God.  But I don’t feel a burden lifted off my shoulders.

Should I?

I am comforted by the fact that God has my back, but my crap is still my crap, and it didn’t just disappear because I said a prayer.

I am still worried about my relationship.  I still don’t know where money to pay for daycare is going to come from.  I still struggle find my place in Jacob and Jordyn’s life.  I still feel extreme guilt for my actions, and all this still affects my life on a daily basis.

The weight of these stressors is still on my shoulders.

This does not feel like a light burden!

I’m sorry.  Maybe I am a lousy Christian (actually I am pretty sure that is true) and maybe my faith is completely lacking.  But I don’t feel better after taking my problems to Jesus.  I’m still stressed.

These verses in Matthew sound great, but I am not feeling it.  I don’t understand, and I certainly don’t feel like my burden is any less.

Help me!  How do I get to this point of peace?

 


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Is there hope for me yet?

2 Samuel 12:1-25

7 Then Nathan said to David, “You are that man! The Lord, the God of Israel, says: I anointed you king of Israel and saved you from the power of Saul. 8 I gave you your master’s house and his wives and the kingdoms of Israel and Judah. And if that had not been enough, I would have given you much, much more. 9 Why, then, have you despised the word of the Lord and done this horrible deed? For you have murdered Uriah the Hittite with the sword of the Ammonites and stolen his wife. 10 From this time on, your family will live by the sword because you have despised me by taking Uriah’s wife to be your own.

I often wonder after what Isaac and I have done if there is any hope in our relationship.

I can relate to David in the passage above.  God gave me everything I could ever ask for; a job, a house, and a husband who adored me.

And instead of being content in all my many blessings- I desired more.

Actually, I don’t know if that is true.  I didn’t actually desire more.  More just found me, and I didn’t turn it away.

But now, like David, I must pay for my actions.  But what does that look like?

There are definant consequences to what Isaac and I have done.  We are talked about in the community in which we work (we were track coaches together), we have family members who will no longer speak to us, and in the future our kids will form opinions about our actions.

But what about God?  Will he still bless this relationship?  Is it okay to go to him and seek his guidance, support, and wisdom in relation to us being together?

I do, but I often feel that I can’t.

I know that the way we began our relationship was wrong in the eyes of God (and everyone else with at least a small moral compass), but is it wrong to be with him now?

When I go to God and pray for our relationship, does he roll his eyes?

I understand how sin seperates you from God.  After you do something so huge, and so wrong.  You no longer know where you stand.  And when you don’t know, you stand far away.

It is like I am no longer worthy because of my decisions and because of my sin.

Dear God- I don’t know how you feel about my relationship, but I hope you will love and support us.  We know we did something so wrong and if I am going to be honest, we would probably make the same decision again- just maybe a little differently.  But we love each other, and I want your support.  I want to be able to come to you with the good and the bad.  I am sorry for me sin.  I am sorry for the people I have hurt.  And I am sorry for the people this will continue to hurt.  Please bless this relationship.


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When it comes to love, I’m lousy

Yesterday I went on a long walk and thought about my relationship with Isaac and my relationship with his kids.  I had just listened to a podcast by Andy Stanley on love and how to stay in love and I was psyched.

I made it a goal to try to put everyone before myself because I love Isaac and because I love Isaac I love his kids.  And this is what real love is- putting others before yourself.

I sincerely want to do what is best for everyone in this relationship- even his ex, Denise.  I have a desire to be the bigger person.  I want to love everyone the way Jesus loves me.  I really do.

But I suck at it.

Last night Isaac told me that his boy had a football game Saturday afternoon on a day that we had all planned on being together.  He also told me that I was not welcome.

That hurt.

And I know it is what is for the best.  I don’t think Denise is ready for me to be at her kids events and I don’t think the drama will be good for Isaac’s kids.  And I know me supporting Isaac is what is best for him.

But I blew it.

My emotions overtook what I knew was best and as a result Isaac and I had a huge fight.

I am sure Isaac does not feel loved because of my actions.  And I am sure he does not feel like I support him and have his kids best interest at heart.

And I feel like I failed.  Because I do love him and I do love his kids and I do want what is best for everyone.

I just suck at showing it.

Dear Lord Jesus,

Please help me love others like you loved me.  I want to, I guess I just can’t get over my own hurt in the situation.  Help me to not be selfish and put others interests above me own.


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God’s Daughter

Luke 19:37-44

Today’s daily bread was about weeping and Jesus’ compassion and ability to empathize with people to the extant that he wept for them.

All I could think about as I was reading was the last time I wept.  If crying and weeping are synonomous with each other than I have wept very often over the last few months.  In fact during my pregnancy I was so emotional that I would often cry more than once each day.

Everything upset me, insulted me, moved me, and saddened me.

I imagine it was very hard to be around me during this time but it was also very hard to live through those emotions myself.  I was extremely worried that I would suffer from post-pardum depression.  I felt as though if there was such a thing as pregnancy depression that I was knee-deep in it.

I should have prayed- but I didn’t.

I should have searched for God through my fog of my unhappiness- but I just couldn’t find the strength.

My sin had separated me and I could no longer bear to be close to the one thing that could bring me peace.

But through all me sin, God blessed me.

I can honestly say I have never known happiness like I know it now.  Every time I look into my baby’s eyes I feel true peace.  I am suddenly able to experience love in its truest form.

He is my son and I am God’s daughter.

And suddenly I understand.


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The sin I wear.

Over the last 24 hours I have been thinking a lot about sin.  I have this amazing talent when it comes to sin, I am incredibly brilliant at noticing other people’s sin,  specifically other Christians.

Amazing isn’t it?

With that said, it is easy to see that I have my own inner vat of sin just leaking out of me at every chance it gets.  The thoughts really kill me.  The fact that my sinful thoughts are just as bad in the eyes of God as my sinful actions is completely disturbing.  Is there no reprieve?

One thing I always pride myself on (theirs another one, pride, I’m on a role), is that I know my own sin.  I fear that if you lain me down on a table and cut me open down the chest, you could visually see my black, bruised, sinful heart crawling with maggots and oozing with complacency.  I can feel this inside me, I know that it is there.

I am aware.

But I have come to think that being aware is not enough.  Being comfortable in the sin that I possess is dangerous. It is not enough to say “I am a prideful person, I am judgemental, and I gossip.  But that is just the way I am “.  I should be struggling with this.  Sitting around admitting that this sin exists in my life and then depending on God’s grace and love IS NOT ENOUGH.

It is not enough for me to know.

I know.

I need to be struggling.  Everyday struggling.

If I am not struggling, I am not growing.

“Each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed”  -James 1:14


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One God for all Religions

Lately I have been confronted with ideas that are so beautiful I wish with all my heart they could be true.  I have found myself trying to support these ideas with everything (which is little) I know about the Christian faith and it just doesn’t work…but it is so beautiful.

I want the beauty to be a reality.

But it is not.

At least from my limited knowledge and beliefs, which may be different from someone else’s.  This cannot be true.  The beauty is a lie.

I have been reading the book Eat Pray Love this week.  I think it is a great book.  I love to learn while I read (which I think one is impossible without the other) and I feel that I have learned something about the world while reading this.  Living vicariously through the author as she travels to different places in the world seeking to know herself better.  I felt connected to the character.  She started off her trip broken, and was putting back the pieces to her life throughout her travels.

I feel broken right now.

I get it.

On the second leg of her trip the author stays at and Ashram in India studying under her Guru.  This is so foreign to me.  It surprised me how little I know about other faiths other than the fact that I believe they are not true.

Interesting revelation.

She spends her days meditating, working, chanting, and meditating.  She finds what she is looking for.  She has sought to find peace in a God and leaves having found it.  She is pretty blunt in saying she does not have a name or label for her God, she just knows that he is God.  I don’t know if you would call this agnostic or if it is even really necessary for me to put a label on it.  It is just different from my views of God.

God the Father, this is what I know.

This is what is real for me.

Church, and the Bible.  Jesus and the disciples.

Yoga, meditation, gurus.  These words are foreign to me, so I quickly blew them off.  But after reading further and thinking deeper, I thought maybe she or they are on to something.  Wasn’t it just recently that I quoted “Be still and know that I am God”.  At the Ashram being still consumed them.  People would spend hours meditating in silence, being still, being silent, and knowing.

Yoga was actually developed so that people could spend more hours in pure still meditation with God without worrying about aches and pains related to a solitary non-moving position.

At first I thought there was no way this women found God.  For all her seeking, she was looking in the wrong place.

My God, the only God I believe is true, would not be hanging around an Ashram.

But what if He was?

That is my thought that was so beautiful.  What if there was only one true God that all religions worship in a different way, but it was still the same God.

It is beautiful.

But it is radical.  At least from the Christian perspective.  I know I am not the first person to have this thought, many people feel this way.  I just don’t think they are Christ followers.  We have a pretty narrow view of God.

It doesn’t mean that I cannot acknowledge that it sounds amazing.  Even if I don’t believe in the idea.

But I still have room to learn.

My views are not narrow enough to see the devotion of others and see how flawed mine are.  I abuse the grace of the God I believe in.  I ignore him on a regular basis.  And the amount of time I spend in pure silence seeking my Father is less than 5 minutes a month.

My faith is flawed.

Not the premise of my faith and the foundation on which it is built.  That is perfect.  But I, as the follower, am pathetic.

I will learn.

I will grow.

And then I will learn some more.  From everyone.  Because everyone, of every faith, has something to teach.