I am going to take this summer to regain my health.
Emotional, physical, and everywhere in between.
I feel like lately I have been surviving, not living.
Just getting through everyday, and sure, there are moments that I deeply enjoy (my boys bring me this joy), but I feel like everyday is stress.
Racing around, figuring things out.
Where is the money going to come from?
When do I need to pick up the kids?
What else do I need to do at work?
The kids are sick.
Is my boss upset that I am missing so many days of work?
How will I pay for daycare next week?
The credit card is maxed out.
The bank account is in the negative.
Another kid is sick.
The house is a mess.
The laundry needs folded.
And over and over and over.
There is no peace.
And whenever I do have a moment to myself instead of doing something productive, I sit.
I watch mindless television, feeling unmotivated and lazy.
But I am done!
Life is what it is, struggles are a part of life.
And I can either take them for what they are, overcome, and live.
Or drown in them.
So I am turning over a new leaf.
I know it sounds strange but I think it starts with taking care of what I have.
Show a little pride of ownership.
In my home, in my body, and in my life.
I need to keep my house clean, keep up with the yard, watch what I put into my body, workout, read the Word, and engage in relationships that are positive and healthy.
Recently, our local Kansas City Zoo offered a free day of admission as a thank-you to tax payers for helping support the zoo.
Given that I have two young children and not a lot of money, this is something that I was interested in.
Unfortunately, due to other plans, we were unable to attend.
What gets me is what was said about the people who would attend such a day.
A little backup…
The free day at the zoo received some bad press.
Apparently it was incredibly crowded, some people got into a fight, teenagers were standing around and blocking paths for parents with strollers, and other people were dropping their trash.
I concede that none of this is appropriate behavior, adults fighting at a family establishment is pathetic and people throwing trash is lazy. Teenagers standing around and not noticing other people…well, they are teenagers. Once upon a time you didn’t realize other people existed either.
But this is what got me.
I was listening to our local talk show station on my way home from school, Dana & Parks at KMBZ.
And by the time I got home I was rather irritated.
According to Dana & Parks people who attend a free day at the zoo are obviously free loaders, “white trash”, “don’t pay taxes”, and are a general drain on society.
I think it is wonderful that Dana & Parks in all of their upper middle class glory can easily attend the zoo on a full admission day, but not everyone can, and that doesn’t make us free loaders.
I pay my taxes, thank you.
I work full-time, I go to school, and I raise two boys.
I think it is fair to say that I am not lazy.
I am respectful to others.
I pay all my bills.
And I have never received government assistance.
And for you to make a public assumption that I am some sort of degenerate, lazy, drain on society because I would attend a free day at the zoo makes me sad for you.
I would attend a free day at the zoo because I am a good mom.
I would attend a free day at the zoo because I am responsible with my money.
And lastly I would attend a free day at the zoo so that I would not have to spend a second with you upper-middle class, too good, snobby arse.
I am sorry that some people chose to act like idiots on a free day at the zoo, but that does not make all of us who would take advantage of free admission white trash, non-tax paying, freeloaders.
Without fail lately I have been rousing both children and heading to church every Sunday morning.
It has been a few months since I have gone to church so faithfully and I wish I could say it was solely for my desire to grow in my relationship with God.
Realistically,
I need to get out of the house.
Maternity leave has a way of secluding you from the rest of the world.
My friends are at work.
I can’t join a mommy group and make new friends because I only will be home and able to attend for 6 weeks.
Oh…and there is that new infant, the whole point of maternity leave, who really shouldn’t leave the house a whole lot.
Come to remember, small babies are rather needy.
And although I will, have, and am not ashamed to breastfeed in public. It is easier in the comfort of our home where I can just whip out a tit without any form of modesty or consciousness.
So church.
I have been going.
It is funny how God can lead you somewhere when you most need to be there. I truly believe he can.
He knows things. He reaches you where you are.
Like maternity leave.
But we are involved in a series on the book of Mark and three Sundays ago our paster spoke on the wilderness.
The wilderness being a real crappy place in your life.
And I got to thinking, am I there? Am I in the wilderness?
Sometimes I think so, but other times not so much.
I feel lucky a lot of times. Specifically every night when I pray over my little Linc I feel so lucky. Thanking God for such a beautiful boy does not even begin to reach the depths of my gratitude for such an amazing gift.
But there are other aspects of my life right now that feel very “wildernessy.”
Finances are my wilderness as well as my relationship with Isaac.
Isaac and I can’t seem to make it work despite the fact that we love each other. And financially, ends just don’t meet right now and that is stressful.
When you don’t have enough money to actually pay all your bills it becomes a stressful game of faking it.
I can honestly pay all of my bills on time without actually making enough money to cover my monthly expenses just by being very crafty about when I pay each bill.
It’s a science and a skill that I have honed through necessity.
And to be honest I am pretty proud of myself for figuring it out.
But one wrong move, one bill paid to early, one unexpected expense, and the whole house of cards falls.
It’s stressful.
And when you are alone you shoulder the stress of this situation alone. And go figure, it’s lonely.
So sometimes this feels like my wilderness, but I don’t want to jinx it because I know things could get so much worse.
And there are things so much more valuable to me than the thought of a late bill.
My little poop machine, Lincoln. Who is currently sitting in his high chair looking like a hot mess while cracking up at me for who knows what reason.
Having enough. I don’t have much but I certainly have enough.
A brother who has dedicated his time these last few months to help me look after Linc.
A job interview this next week for summer school. Summer school is always highly desired in my district, so my fingers are crossed. It sure would be nice to have part-time position over the summer.
Diet coke and coffee. Thank God for caffeine because I am sure not getting any sleep.
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
When I read these verses this morning I was comforted but also pretty frustrated. It is wonderful to think that God loves us so much that he will carry our burdens for us, but really, how does that work?
I can pray, and take my concerns to God. But I don’t feel a burden lifted off my shoulders.
Should I?
I am comforted by the fact that God has my back, but my crap is still my crap, and it didn’t just disappear because I said a prayer.
I am still worried about my relationship. I still don’t know where money to pay for daycare is going to come from. I still struggle find my place in Jacob and Jordyn’s life. I still feel extreme guilt for my actions, and all this still affects my life on a daily basis.
The weight of these stressors is still on my shoulders.
This does not feel like a light burden!
I’m sorry. Maybe I am a lousy Christian (actually I am pretty sure that is true) and maybe my faith is completely lacking. But I don’t feel better after taking my problems to Jesus. I’m still stressed.
These verses in Matthew sound great, but I am not feeling it. I don’t understand, and I certainly don’t feel like my burden is any less.
Mom and Boys 