Getting back to health.

I am going to take this summer to regain my health.

Emotional, physical, and everywhere in between.

I feel like lately I have been surviving, not living.

Just getting through everyday, and sure, there are moments that I deeply enjoy (my boys bring me this joy), but I feel like everyday is stress.

Racing around, figuring things out.

Where is the money going to come from?

When do I need to pick up the kids?

What else do I need to do at work?

The kids are sick.

Is my boss upset that I am missing so many days of work?

How will I pay for daycare next week?

The credit card is maxed out.

The bank account is in the negative.

Another kid is sick.

The house is a mess.

The laundry needs folded.

And over and over and over.

There is no peace.

And whenever I do have a moment to myself instead of doing something productive, I sit.

I watch mindless television, feeling unmotivated and lazy.

But I am done!

Life is what it is, struggles are a part of life.

And I can either take them for what they are, overcome, and live.

Or drown in them.

So I am turning over a new leaf.

I know it sounds strange but I think it starts with taking care of what I have.

Show a little pride of ownership.

In my home, in my body, and in my life.

I need to keep my house clean, keep up with the yard, watch what I put into my body, workout, read the Word, and engage in relationships that are positive and healthy.

I am excited about this summer.

I am excited to be healthy again.

The ugly picture board.

I have been thinking about my sweet younger brother today.

It is his birthday.

So I did a nice sisterly gesture and I posted a bunch of cute pictures of him and my kids.

Such a good sister.

And after I had done this I was driving in my car thinking about it and the memory came to me of what this same brother used to do with all of my photos while growing up.

He would find, keep, and post on his bulletin board every awful picture of me he could find.

He didn’t have any frames on his walls.

No posters.

Nothing.

Just one bulletin board.

And all that was on it was me with 5 double chins, mouth open, gut out, angry and screaming, wind-blown, whatever.  If it was bad, he kept it.

The ugly picture board.

And I was the feature.

Arn’t brothers wonderful.

Happy Birthday Uncle Mike

I photo homage to one of the best Uncles two boys could ask for.

 

My few good men.

I love this photo.

It represents so much.

 

In this photo you can see my father, the man who influenced my life.

The man who taught me what it means to love a child.

The man who taught me how a man should treat a wife.

And what a spiritual leader in a home looks like.

My brothers.

Grant and Mike.

The men who always have my back.

Tell me the truth, even when it is hard to hear.

And are always there for me.

And lastly,

My boys.

The men I will mold.

The men that I will teach.

And lead.

Encourage.

And love always and forever.

No matter who they are.

What they become.

Through good years.

And bad years.

 

I will love them better.

Because I have been shown what true love is.

 

 

Busy busy grandparents.

Well my mom and dad went back to Washington today.

But not without leaving their mark.

While in KC they managed to accomplish more home improvement projects in a week than I could have even imagined.

Here are a few, I am sure that I am missing some.

Cleaning out all the air vents.

Replacing all of the old air vents.

Deep cleaning my hard wood floors.

Placing a lock on my door out to the garage.

Putting up a mirror.

Putting up another wall decor thing that I like (my mom hates it, but she still put it up).

Patching a huge hole in the wall that has been there since I moved in.

Building a space dome for the kids.

Putting together a tricycle for Lincoln.

Putting up a swing in the backyard for the boys.

Organizing my linen closet.

Organizing our craft cabinet.

Organizing the laundry cabinet.

Teaching me how to quilt.

Putting up a toothbrush holder in the bathroom.

And some other things.

I’m sure of it.

They did a lot.

My fingers are tired from typing it all.

Basically they are awesome.

My house looks awesome.

And I am sitting in the awesomeness and let me tell you,

It is awesome.

This is hard.

Sometimes life sucks.

I have the two loves of my world to always be thankful for.

But when the little ones sleep,

and the quiet takes over.

Sometimes life just sucks.

I am stuck with my thoughts.

Missing someone who is not right for me.

Wanting him,

But being so angry with him at the same time.

Hurt.

Hurt, angry, lonely, and missing him.

Wanting him here.

We could watch Tosh.O

He could mess with my feet.

And eat crappy food.

Talk about how cute Linc is.

And love on Baby Bowen.

But I am here.

Hurt, angry, and alone.

But I know it is what is best.

It is such a confusing feeling when what is best for you in the long run, sucks so bad in the right now.

That is why we keep going back to each other.

We can’t ever fully live in the hurt.

We keep going back to the instant gratification of being together,

Even though it isn’t what is best.

The relationship part of my life is just so bruised and broken.

I don’t feel I will ever truly recover.

I have screwed it up too bad.

Made too many mistakes.

Fallen in love with someone who will never be right.

Lost myself somewhere along the way.

I need to heal.

But sometimes healing is more painful than the actual injury.

I need to pray.

 

Take the anger first Lord.  It is nothing but sour.

Take the hurt next.  My heart cannot take much more.

And fill the loneliness with nothing but you God.  For everything else is a facade.

If you are truly the Prince of Peace, reign over me now.

Sit with me when I am lonely.

Cherish with me, these moments I find so dear.

Draw close to me Lord, for I need a friend.

 

Similar Posts: Getting Used to Being Lonely Our Last Ride Friday Night Alone Again

Let the fun commence.

Hey hey the gangs all here.

My dad and brother flew into Kansas last night and my mom was already here.

My little three bedroom ranch is stuffed to the gills.

And it is awesome.

Lincoln is absolutely loving being the center of attention.

Playing with Grandpa and Uncle Mike is proving to be very fun.

He can even say grandpa already, so that is pretty cool.

We have a busy day of putting together a jungle gym in the backyard.

Mexican food.

And a KU game.

Pictures to come, but here is a flashback shot of Linc and Uncle Mike.

Friday night, alone again.

I think the most difficult part about being a single mom is being alone.

It is not the fact that I am doing the job of two parents by myself, although that can sometimes be challenging.

But it is not being able to share all the moments that life brings that are so special.

When Lincoln takes his first steps, I cherish that moment alone.

When he says momma for the first time, I cherish that alone.

When he falls and scrapes his knee, I comfort and worry alone.

When he has food all over his face and is acting super silly, I laugh at him alone.

When he finally falls asleep after a long active day, I enjoy that moment alone.

When I pray and rejoice for this beautiful boy, I pray alone.

It is not all the time, all the work, and all the hardships of doing things by yourself.  It is all the moments that are so precious and not having anyone to share them with.

Or at least not the other half of him that would care like I care.

Getting used to be lonely.

Well despite our best efforts, Isaac and I did not work.

I’m really sad.

As volatile and stressful as our relationship was, I still really like him.

I guess that was why we kept trying things.  Despite all of the arguing, and all of the awful things that happened, I always wanted to keep trying.

But I can’t any more.

Lincoln is more important and he does not need to watch his parents struggle through their relationship forever.

I know it is what is best…at least I think so.  I keep struggling with many moments of doubt of whether or not I am doing the right thing.  And to be honest, I don’t really know for sure.

What I do know, is that if you keep doing the same thing, you will keep getting the same results.

But doing something different when you have been with someone so long is really tough.

It is like a huge void in my life. There is a huge gap  in my time, heart, and mind where Isaac used to be and I need to learn to fill it with something else

It is really lonely.

Even though I am not technically alone.

I always have Lincoln crawling around and right now a very worn out dog is sitting at my feet.  So I am never really alone, but I don’t have a partner anymore.

I lost a best friend.

I lost a co-parent.

But I also lost all of the negatives that went along with having those things.

I keep telling myself this will be better, and I think deep down I know that is probably true.  But I think it will take time to get to that better place.

Right now I am just sad and pretty lonely.

I miss having another adult around, even if Isaac wasn’t around every day he was still a phone call away.

I am sure I will get used to it, it is just so fresh.

This will just take time.

I just need to adjust.

We are blending…and we went to the zoo!

This weekend we were still both overwhelmed by the shooting near my house so I stayed with Isaac all weekend.

This wouldn’t be such a big deal except for he had his other two kids this weekend.

I have spent some time with them before and Lincoln loves being around his brother and sister, but a whole weekend is a completely different ballgame.

First of all, Isaac and I just decided to give this relationship another try and now all of a sudden we are pushed, by crazy circumstances, into moving things much quicker than we would have under a different scenario.

I wouldn’t have chosen this.

I don’t think he would have either.

Not that it is bad, it is just difficult.  I think we have enough struggles the two of us but to add blended family time into things without a break…crazy.

I think I probably have the toughest time with this out of anyone.

This role of step-girlfriend, mom of your brother, and girlfriend to your dad is a really tough one for me.

I have a hard time knowing were I fit in.

I often hear, to no fault of Isaac’s, “this is how we do things”, “we do it like this”, and “this is our tradition.” It can be really hard.  Every other weekend we, meaning Isaac, Linc, and myself, have our own way of doing things.  Our own traditions.  Our own habits.

And all the sudden I feel like the outcast.

I am the one person in this family of five who is not blood related to everyone else.  I am the one person who has not known everyone else since birth. I am the only one who has not developed relationships, and traditions with the rest since the beginning.

It is a very tough feeling.  I struggle with this in a way I never thought that I would.  And then, I struggle with the fact that I struggle.

Am I being selfish?  Am I being over sensitive?  Why does this make me feel so sad and insecure?

Are my feelings normal?

Anyways…on a positive note.  The weekend went pretty well.  I had fun with our blended little bunch.  We went to the zoo, which was a first for me.  We went swimming.  And on Sunday we all went to church.  It was a great weekend.  I did have to leave for a couple of hours on Saturday night just to have some space for myself (I am not really sure why I needed this but I did).

The weekend was fun.

Lincoln and his sister Jordyn at the zoo.