I have been on again off again for what seems like forever with Lincoln’s dad, Isaac.
My mom sent me an email not too long ago that I really appreciated. She was giving me some great advice on our relationship which is sometimes very difficult to hear. She described my relationship with Isaac as a roller coaster. When I started reading her email I was sort of disinterested. Yes, Isaac and I are up and down. Yes, it is frustrating, No, this can’t possibly really make either of us happy.
But then, at the very end she made a very good point. It took me until the last lines for me to truly understand what she was getting at.
She could not have made it more clear if she had slapped me across the face with the truth.
Here is what she wrote:
The picture is one of a roller coaster. As you approach the ride, it looks filled with shrieks of excitement. When you get on you are buckled in for safety because the creator knew this would be a wild ride. You go straight up, the excitement is building – as with life, the anticipation of dreams and hopes and passion are so overwhelming that the thrill is beyond your imagination and intoxicating beyond belief. The high is extreme as you approach the top of the ride – then an unforeseen sharp curve plunges you down. Quickly and sharply further down than you can predict you go. Into the depths of fear and doubt and mistrust which are horrific. Horrific beyond what you had ever wanted. And then slowly you gain your breath and the ride takes you back up for another emotional high – it is intoxication and the thrill draws you in once again but sooner that expected you are falling out of the sky and downward to a new low. Can your body sustain the extremes? Maybe for a while the highs make the lows worth while. When you finally do get off the ride you are once again on solid ground. As you look back you may ask yourself, “why do I want to do this again?” Because the thrill is seductive it draws you in- but no ride keeps you on the thrill of the high. As you walk away you notice a sign posted outside the ticket booth, NO small children allowed on this ride. There is a reason – to protect those who are not yet strong enough to withstand the extremes that this type of ride brings to them.
Neither Isaac or myself want to put our son through anything that will hurt him. We love Lincoln more than we love ourselves. And I know my mom would probably like us both to go our own ways now.
But we are not.
We have decided to give it one more try.
A real try, for our kid, and for us, because there is a part of us that really does love the other person. We just can’t seem to make it work.
We called our church.
We are going to counseling.
We are praying hard.
And we are trying.
If we still cannot make it work between us, we have decided that for the sake of our child. We will both walk away.
I know a lot of people don’t even want us to try once more.
The ride we have been on has also affected our parents, our siblings, and the people who love us the most.
But this is it.
I want this to work, Isaac wants this to work.
I’m just scared. I don’t want to be hurt by a doomed relationship anymore. I hope this can be fixed and mended, but it will not be easy.