Our last ride.

I have been on again off again for what seems like forever with Lincoln’s dad, Isaac.

My mom sent me an email not too long ago that I really appreciated.  She was giving me some great advice on our relationship which is sometimes very difficult to hear.  She described my relationship with Isaac as a roller coaster.  When I started reading her email I was sort of disinterested.  Yes, Isaac and I are up and down.  Yes, it is frustrating, No, this can’t possibly really make either of us happy.

But then, at the very end she made a very good point.  It took me until the last lines for me to truly understand what she was getting at.

She could not have made it more clear if she had slapped me across the face with the truth.

Here is what she wrote:

 The picture is one of a roller coaster.  As you approach the ride, it looks filled with shrieks of excitement.  When you get on you are buckled in for safety because the creator knew this would be a wild ride.  You go straight up, the excitement is building – as with life, the anticipation of dreams and hopes and passion are so overwhelming that the thrill is beyond your imagination and intoxicating beyond belief.  The high is extreme as you approach the top of the ride – then an unforeseen sharp curve plunges you down.  Quickly and sharply further down than you can predict you go.  Into the depths of fear and doubt and mistrust which are horrific.  Horrific beyond what you had ever wanted.  And then slowly you gain your breath and the ride takes you back up for another emotional high – it is intoxication and the thrill draws you in once again but sooner that expected you are falling out of the sky and downward to a new low.  Can your body sustain the extremes?  Maybe for a while the highs make the lows worth while.  When you finally do get off the ride you are once again on solid ground.  As you look back you may ask yourself, “why do I want to do this again?”  Because the thrill is seductive it draws you in- but no ride keeps you on the thrill of the high.  As you walk away you notice a sign posted outside the ticket booth, NO small children allowed on this ride.  There is a reason – to protect those who are not yet strong enough to withstand the extremes that this type of ride brings to them.

Neither Isaac or myself want to put our son through anything that will hurt him.  We love Lincoln more than we love ourselves.  And I know my mom would probably like us both to go our own ways now.

But we are not.

We have decided to give it one more try.

A real try, for our kid, and for us, because there is a part of us that really does love the other person.  We just can’t seem to make it work.

We called our church.

We are going to counseling.

We are praying hard.

And we are trying.

If we still cannot make it work between us, we have decided that for the sake of our child.  We will both walk away.

I know a lot of people don’t even want us to try once more.

The ride we have been on has also affected our parents, our siblings, and the people who love us the most.

But this is it.

I want this to work, Isaac wants this to work.

I’m just scared.  I don’t want to be hurt by a doomed relationship anymore.  I hope this can be fixed and mended, but it will not be easy.

God Knew

So Isaac and I had our “dating” conversation on Saturday night.  And I decided that my first independent activity would be to go to church(although I did ask Isaac to come with).

I have not been to church in about a year.  When I was married my husband and I attended a church that I loved.  The message was right on, the people were great, and I was an active member in the children’s ministry.

But when Joe and I’s relationship started to crumble I moved out of our house and stopped attending our church.  I have never been back.

I was embarrassed that my marriage was falling apart.  And I didn’t want people to reach out to me.  I was hiding from God and my church community.

So today I went to a church that I have never been.  And it was great.

The funny thing is that todays service was all about relationships.  And  the pastor spent almost the entire service talking about how God feels about cohabitation and how it does not lead to the marriage and relationship that He strives for us to have.  (The pastor made this great graph demonstration that I will try to show on here because it was really helpful visual for me).

But I just thought it was amazing how God knew what I needed.  Of all the times for me to decide to go back to church and all the churches I could have attended and all the topics the pastor could have spoken on.

And somehow this Sunday’s message was all about me and what is going on in my life right now.

God knew.  And God cares.

So we’re dating???

So Isaac and I chatted.  And we were actually civil.

We decided to start dating. (Today was our “first” date- he invited himself over for the Chief’s game).

We have been living together and neither of us are even sure how that happened.  It just did.  We went straight from our marriages to each other and we never had time to date like a normal couple.

Maybe this is what we need.

He can get his space back and I can feel independent again.

Hopefully by doing this we can learn to like each other again instead of just loving each other.

There are some logistical concerns with this dating thing that I think will be a pain.  Mainly, Lincoln’s daycare is right next to Isaac’s work.  So the plan was that Isaac would take him on his way to work, well…that doesn’t work anymore.  I am going to have to wake up even earlier and drive Lincoln and meet Isaac halfway to exchange Lincoln, and then drive back in the direction I came to head to work.

Whew!

I am tired and annoyed just thinking about it.

This sucks.

I have had a tough weekend.

I feel like I am putting so much effort into making my relationship with Isaac work.

I am trying.

I don’t want to be in a relationship where we fight every other day.  I just can’t be a part of that anymore.

And I think I played a huge part in our arguments before, but I stopped. I have been doing everything in my power to avert an argument.  I have made a concerted effort to put everyone’s needs above mine.  When I disagree with something that is going on I have suppressed my feelings.  And when I have been angry with something, I have made a serious point not to take out my anger on Isaac and have tried to get comfortable with the fact that sometime things just don’t work out the way I want them to.

I am not saying I have been perfect, far from it, but I am trying and doing much better.

But it’s not working.  Isaac is still angry with me.  I feel like I am doing everything in my power to do right by him but it is not enough.

And at what point does trying to be loving and do what is best for others become being a doormat.  Because I feel like I am there- or almost there.

I know Isaac loves me.  But I honestly don’t think he likes me anymore.

It sucks (sorry for my lack of vocabulary) but it absolutely sucks.

I want to make this relationship work so badly.  I am doing everything in my power to be everything he needs.  I love Isaac.  He is a good person and a great father.  I have fun with him and I always enjoy being with him.

But I don’t think he feels the same way towards me anymore.

It sucks. It sucks.  It sucks.

I can’t feel like this anymore.  I can’t fight every day.  I can’t try so hard and fail all the time.

I want this, but at what point is it not worth it.  At what point is this destructive to everyone involved.

Is there hope for me yet?

2 Samuel 12:1-25

7 Then Nathan said to David, “You are that man! The Lord, the God of Israel, says: I anointed you king of Israel and saved you from the power of Saul. 8 I gave you your master’s house and his wives and the kingdoms of Israel and Judah. And if that had not been enough, I would have given you much, much more. 9 Why, then, have you despised the word of the Lord and done this horrible deed? For you have murdered Uriah the Hittite with the sword of the Ammonites and stolen his wife. 10 From this time on, your family will live by the sword because you have despised me by taking Uriah’s wife to be your own.

I often wonder after what Isaac and I have done if there is any hope in our relationship.

I can relate to David in the passage above.  God gave me everything I could ever ask for; a job, a house, and a husband who adored me.

And instead of being content in all my many blessings- I desired more.

Actually, I don’t know if that is true.  I didn’t actually desire more.  More just found me, and I didn’t turn it away.

But now, like David, I must pay for my actions.  But what does that look like?

There are definant consequences to what Isaac and I have done.  We are talked about in the community in which we work (we were track coaches together), we have family members who will no longer speak to us, and in the future our kids will form opinions about our actions.

But what about God?  Will he still bless this relationship?  Is it okay to go to him and seek his guidance, support, and wisdom in relation to us being together?

I do, but I often feel that I can’t.

I know that the way we began our relationship was wrong in the eyes of God (and everyone else with at least a small moral compass), but is it wrong to be with him now?

When I go to God and pray for our relationship, does he roll his eyes?

I understand how sin seperates you from God.  After you do something so huge, and so wrong.  You no longer know where you stand.  And when you don’t know, you stand far away.

It is like I am no longer worthy because of my decisions and because of my sin.

Dear God- I don’t know how you feel about my relationship, but I hope you will love and support us.  We know we did something so wrong and if I am going to be honest, we would probably make the same decision again- just maybe a little differently.  But we love each other, and I want your support.  I want to be able to come to you with the good and the bad.  I am sorry for me sin.  I am sorry for the people I have hurt.  And I am sorry for the people this will continue to hurt.  Please bless this relationship.

When it comes to love, I’m lousy

Yesterday I went on a long walk and thought about my relationship with Isaac and my relationship with his kids.  I had just listened to a podcast by Andy Stanley on love and how to stay in love and I was psyched.

I made it a goal to try to put everyone before myself because I love Isaac and because I love Isaac I love his kids.  And this is what real love is- putting others before yourself.

I sincerely want to do what is best for everyone in this relationship- even his ex, Denise.  I have a desire to be the bigger person.  I want to love everyone the way Jesus loves me.  I really do.

But I suck at it.

Last night Isaac told me that his boy had a football game Saturday afternoon on a day that we had all planned on being together.  He also told me that I was not welcome.

That hurt.

And I know it is what is for the best.  I don’t think Denise is ready for me to be at her kids events and I don’t think the drama will be good for Isaac’s kids.  And I know me supporting Isaac is what is best for him.

But I blew it.

My emotions overtook what I knew was best and as a result Isaac and I had a huge fight.

I am sure Isaac does not feel loved because of my actions.  And I am sure he does not feel like I support him and have his kids best interest at heart.

And I feel like I failed.  Because I do love him and I do love his kids and I do want what is best for everyone.

I just suck at showing it.

Dear Lord Jesus,

Please help me love others like you loved me.  I want to, I guess I just can’t get over my own hurt in the situation.  Help me to not be selfish and put others interests above me own.

Petition of Paternity

The paperwork is in…finally.

After a crazy year of marriage problems, couples counseling, separation, pregnancy, and divorce, the final piece of paperwork was turned in by Isaac (baby’s father) today- the petition of paternity.

This was a very important paper because it legally proclaimed Isaac as my baby’s father as opposed to my ex.  Apparently in the state of Kansas if you become pregnant while legally married then your husband automatically becomes the babies legal father.

Reason 838 of why you should wait to have a sexual relationship with someone until you are legally divorced.

The petition of paternity is a document that states the paternity of the baby’s real father and eleviates my ex-husband of any legal responsibility to the unborn child.

It is very important.

It is done.

And I am relieved.

One God for all Religions

Lately I have been confronted with ideas that are so beautiful I wish with all my heart they could be true.  I have found myself trying to support these ideas with everything (which is little) I know about the Christian faith and it just doesn’t work…but it is so beautiful.

I want the beauty to be a reality.

But it is not.

At least from my limited knowledge and beliefs, which may be different from someone else’s.  This cannot be true.  The beauty is a lie.

I have been reading the book Eat Pray Love this week.  I think it is a great book.  I love to learn while I read (which I think one is impossible without the other) and I feel that I have learned something about the world while reading this.  Living vicariously through the author as she travels to different places in the world seeking to know herself better.  I felt connected to the character.  She started off her trip broken, and was putting back the pieces to her life throughout her travels.

I feel broken right now.

I get it.

On the second leg of her trip the author stays at and Ashram in India studying under her Guru.  This is so foreign to me.  It surprised me how little I know about other faiths other than the fact that I believe they are not true.

Interesting revelation.

She spends her days meditating, working, chanting, and meditating.  She finds what she is looking for.  She has sought to find peace in a God and leaves having found it.  She is pretty blunt in saying she does not have a name or label for her God, she just knows that he is God.  I don’t know if you would call this agnostic or if it is even really necessary for me to put a label on it.  It is just different from my views of God.

God the Father, this is what I know.

This is what is real for me.

Church, and the Bible.  Jesus and the disciples.

Yoga, meditation, gurus.  These words are foreign to me, so I quickly blew them off.  But after reading further and thinking deeper, I thought maybe she or they are on to something.  Wasn’t it just recently that I quoted “Be still and know that I am God”.  At the Ashram being still consumed them.  People would spend hours meditating in silence, being still, being silent, and knowing.

Yoga was actually developed so that people could spend more hours in pure still meditation with God without worrying about aches and pains related to a solitary non-moving position.

At first I thought there was no way this women found God.  For all her seeking, she was looking in the wrong place.

My God, the only God I believe is true, would not be hanging around an Ashram.

But what if He was?

That is my thought that was so beautiful.  What if there was only one true God that all religions worship in a different way, but it was still the same God.

It is beautiful.

But it is radical.  At least from the Christian perspective.  I know I am not the first person to have this thought, many people feel this way.  I just don’t think they are Christ followers.  We have a pretty narrow view of God.

It doesn’t mean that I cannot acknowledge that it sounds amazing.  Even if I don’t believe in the idea.

But I still have room to learn.

My views are not narrow enough to see the devotion of others and see how flawed mine are.  I abuse the grace of the God I believe in.  I ignore him on a regular basis.  And the amount of time I spend in pure silence seeking my Father is less than 5 minutes a month.

My faith is flawed.

Not the premise of my faith and the foundation on which it is built.  That is perfect.  But I, as the follower, am pathetic.

I will learn.

I will grow.

And then I will learn some more.  From everyone.  Because everyone, of every faith, has something to teach.