I miss your face.

I wonder if I will ever get used to nights away from you.

I know these nights with your dad are important.

But I just can’t help it.

I miss your face.

And like poof, he was gone…

Lincoln is at his dad’s again this Saturday.

It is weird sitting here not having a small child interrupt me every few seconds.  You think it would be a pleasant change for a day, but really it is not.

I miss him.

Lincoln goes to his dad’s house every other Saturday from 8 am to 8 pm, and then he also has an evening every week.

All day Saturdays are still pretty tough for me.

I actually go through I period of loss and sadness when he first leaves, followed by a period of productivity (it is amazing how much I can get done by myself), and then by the end of the day I just miss him.

I think this will get better.  We just started this twelve-hour plan a month ago, so I am still adjusting.

I just miss him.

Today I do have a few fun thing planned.  Uncle Mike’s birthday is today so we have tickets to go the KC Sporting soccer game.  Our team is really good this year, plus we have a new amazing stadium.  It is basically going to be a going away party/birthday party for mike.

He is leaving us.

He starts college at ASU May 15th.  We will miss him, but a today is not a day to focus on him leaving…

Today is a day to celebrate that he is here and my mother popped him out 27 years ago!!!  Yay mom!

My hope is that I can get over missing Lincoln enough to have a good time tonight with everyone at the soccer game.  I think I should be able to but I really do have a lot of anxiety being away from my little Linc for so long?

Do any of you other parents experience this separation anxiety when you are away from your children?  Single parents, is sharing your child/children difficult or do you eventually look forward to some time alone (I know single parenting can be very demanding)?

When it comes to love, I’m lousy

Yesterday I went on a long walk and thought about my relationship with Isaac and my relationship with his kids.  I had just listened to a podcast by Andy Stanley on love and how to stay in love and I was psyched.

I made it a goal to try to put everyone before myself because I love Isaac and because I love Isaac I love his kids.  And this is what real love is- putting others before yourself.

I sincerely want to do what is best for everyone in this relationship- even his ex, Denise.  I have a desire to be the bigger person.  I want to love everyone the way Jesus loves me.  I really do.

But I suck at it.

Last night Isaac told me that his boy had a football game Saturday afternoon on a day that we had all planned on being together.  He also told me that I was not welcome.

That hurt.

And I know it is what is for the best.  I don’t think Denise is ready for me to be at her kids events and I don’t think the drama will be good for Isaac’s kids.  And I know me supporting Isaac is what is best for him.

But I blew it.

My emotions overtook what I knew was best and as a result Isaac and I had a huge fight.

I am sure Isaac does not feel loved because of my actions.  And I am sure he does not feel like I support him and have his kids best interest at heart.

And I feel like I failed.  Because I do love him and I do love his kids and I do want what is best for everyone.

I just suck at showing it.

Dear Lord Jesus,

Please help me love others like you loved me.  I want to, I guess I just can’t get over my own hurt in the situation.  Help me to not be selfish and put others interests above me own.