So Isaac and I had our “dating” conversation on Saturday night. And I decided that my first independent activity would be to go to church(although I did ask Isaac to come with).
I have not been to church in about a year. When I was married my husband and I attended a church that I loved. The message was right on, the people were great, and I was an active member in the children’s ministry.
But when Joe and I’s relationship started to crumble I moved out of our house and stopped attending our church. I have never been back.
I was embarrassed that my marriage was falling apart. And I didn’t want people to reach out to me. I was hiding from God and my church community.
So today I went to a church that I have never been. And it was great.
The funny thing is that todays service was all about relationships. And the pastor spent almost the entire service talking about how God feels about cohabitation and how it does not lead to the marriage and relationship that He strives for us to have. (The pastor made this great graph demonstration that I will try to show on here because it was really helpful visual for me).
But I just thought it was amazing how God knew what I needed. Of all the times for me to decide to go back to church and all the churches I could have attended and all the topics the pastor could have spoken on.
And somehow this Sunday’s message was all about me and what is going on in my life right now.
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
When I read these verses this morning I was comforted but also pretty frustrated. It is wonderful to think that God loves us so much that he will carry our burdens for us, but really, how does that work?
I can pray, and take my concerns to God. But I don’t feel a burden lifted off my shoulders.
Should I?
I am comforted by the fact that God has my back, but my crap is still my crap, and it didn’t just disappear because I said a prayer.
I am still worried about my relationship. I still don’t know where money to pay for daycare is going to come from. I still struggle find my place in Jacob and Jordyn’s life. I still feel extreme guilt for my actions, and all this still affects my life on a daily basis.
The weight of these stressors is still on my shoulders.
This does not feel like a light burden!
I’m sorry. Maybe I am a lousy Christian (actually I am pretty sure that is true) and maybe my faith is completely lacking. But I don’t feel better after taking my problems to Jesus. I’m still stressed.
These verses in Matthew sound great, but I am not feeling it. I don’t understand, and I certainly don’t feel like my burden is any less.
7 Then Nathan said to David, “You are that man! The Lord, the God of Israel, says: I anointed you king of Israel and saved you from the power of Saul. 8 I gave you your master’s house and his wives and the kingdoms of Israel and Judah. And if that had not been enough, I would have given you much, much more. 9 Why, then, have you despised the word of the Lord and done this horrible deed? For you have murdered Uriah the Hittite with the sword of the Ammonites and stolen his wife. 10 From this time on, your family will live by the sword because you have despised me by taking Uriah’s wife to be your own.
I often wonder after what Isaac and I have done if there is any hope in our relationship.
I can relate to David in the passage above. God gave me everything I could ever ask for; a job, a house, and a husband who adored me.
And instead of being content in all my many blessings- I desired more.
Actually, I don’t know if that is true. I didn’t actually desire more. More just found me, and I didn’t turn it away.
But now, like David, I must pay for my actions. But what does that look like?
There are definant consequences to what Isaac and I have done. We are talked about in the community in which we work (we were track coaches together), we have family members who will no longer speak to us, and in the future our kids will form opinions about our actions.
But what about God? Will he still bless this relationship? Is it okay to go to him and seek his guidance, support, and wisdom in relation to us being together?
I do, but I often feel that I can’t.
I know that the way we began our relationship was wrong in the eyes of God (and everyone else with at least a small moral compass), but is it wrong to be with him now?
When I go to God and pray for our relationship, does he roll his eyes?
I understand how sin seperates you from God. After you do something so huge, and so wrong. You no longer know where you stand. And when you don’t know, you stand far away.
It is like I am no longer worthy because of my decisions and because of my sin.
Dear God- I don’t know how you feel about my relationship, but I hope you will love and support us. We know we did something so wrong and if I am going to be honest, we would probably make the same decision again- just maybe a little differently. But we love each other, and I want your support. I want to be able to come to you with the good and the bad. I am sorry for me sin. I am sorry for the people I have hurt. And I am sorry for the people this will continue to hurt. Please bless this relationship.
Over the last 24 hours I have been thinking a lot about sin. I have this amazing talent when it comes to sin, I am incredibly brilliant at noticing other people’s sin, specifically other Christians.
Amazing isn’t it?
With that said, it is easy to see that I have my own inner vat of sin just leaking out of me at every chance it gets. The thoughts really kill me. The fact that my sinful thoughts are just as bad in the eyes of God as my sinful actions is completely disturbing. Is there no reprieve?
One thing I always pride myself on (theirs another one, pride, I’m on a role), is that I know my own sin. I fear that if you lain me down on a table and cut me open down the chest, you could visually see my black, bruised, sinful heart crawling with maggots and oozing with complacency. I can feel this inside me, I know that it is there.
I am aware.
But I have come to think that being aware is not enough. Being comfortable in the sin that I possess is dangerous. It is not enough to say “I am a prideful person, I am judgemental, and I gossip. But that is just the way I am “. I should be struggling with this. Sitting around admitting that this sin exists in my life and then depending on God’s grace and love IS NOT ENOUGH.
It is not enough for me to know.
I know.
I need to be struggling. Everyday struggling.
If I am not struggling, I am not growing.
“Each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed” -James 1:14
Lately I have been confronted with ideas that are so beautiful I wish with all my heart they could be true. I have found myself trying to support these ideas with everything (which is little) I know about the Christian faith and it just doesn’t work…but it is so beautiful.
I want the beauty to be a reality.
But it is not.
At least from my limited knowledge and beliefs, which may be different from someone else’s. This cannot be true. The beauty is a lie.
I have been reading the book Eat Pray Love this week. I think it is a great book. I love to learn while I read (which I think one is impossible without the other) and I feel that I have learned something about the world while reading this. Living vicariously through the author as she travels to different places in the world seeking to know herself better. I felt connected to the character. She started off her trip broken, and was putting back the pieces to her life throughout her travels.
I feel broken right now.
I get it.
On the second leg of her trip the author stays at and Ashram in India studying under her Guru. This is so foreign to me. It surprised me how little I know about other faiths other than the fact that I believe they are not true.
Interesting revelation.
She spends her days meditating, working, chanting, and meditating. She finds what she is looking for. She has sought to find peace in a God and leaves having found it. She is pretty blunt in saying she does not have a name or label for her God, she just knows that he is God. I don’t know if you would call this agnostic or if it is even really necessary for me to put a label on it. It is just different from my views of God.
God the Father, this is what I know.
This is what is real for me.
Church, and the Bible. Jesus and the disciples.
Yoga, meditation, gurus. These words are foreign to me, so I quickly blew them off. But after reading further and thinking deeper, I thought maybe she or they are on to something. Wasn’t it just recently that I quoted “Be still and know that I am God”. At the Ashram being still consumed them. People would spend hours meditating in silence, being still, being silent, and knowing.
Yoga was actually developed so that people could spend more hours in pure still meditation with God without worrying about aches and pains related to a solitary non-moving position.
At first I thought there was no way this women found God. For all her seeking, she was looking in the wrong place.
My God, the only God I believe is true, would not be hanging around an Ashram.
But what if He was?
That is my thought that was so beautiful. What if there was only one true God that all religions worship in a different way, but it was still the same God.
It is beautiful.
But it is radical. At least from the Christian perspective. I know I am not the first person to have this thought, many people feel this way. I just don’t think they are Christ followers. We have a pretty narrow view of God.
It doesn’t mean that I cannot acknowledge that it sounds amazing. Even if I don’t believe in the idea.
But I still have room to learn.
My views are not narrow enough to see the devotion of others and see how flawed mine are. I abuse the grace of the God I believe in. I ignore him on a regular basis. And the amount of time I spend in pure silence seeking my Father is less than 5 minutes a month.
My faith is flawed.
Not the premise of my faith and the foundation on which it is built. That is perfect. But I, as the follower, am pathetic.
I will learn.
I will grow.
And then I will learn some more. From everyone. Because everyone, of every faith, has something to teach.
Today we started a series in Galatians at our church. I am super psyched. I love Paul’s letters to the church and to the people of Galatia. I think it is amazing that what was written to a group of people so many years ago still applies to what is going on in the world today. Our societies may change and progress is always being made but when you cut to the core, people are still, and have always been, people.
How profound.
I think I deserve some sort of prize for making such a plain yet complex statement (see what I just did there, I’m awesome at this).
This is fun, but back to the point. Not a lot has changed. We are all still sinners, and our struggles have not really progressed with the rest of our society. Craziness.
19The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like.
Galatians 5:19-21
After having this so-called epiphany during the service my mind started to wander, as it usually does, to the screeching two year old sitting fairly close by. We sit at a similar location every service and this adorable, yet loud little toddler also sits nearby with her doting parents. This does not thrill me. I love kids. I also volunteer in the kids department of our church so I also know that there is a special, fun place for children to go during the service so that adults like me can listen to Jesus without thinking hidiously sinful thoughts about shaking babies. Ok, I would never really do this, and I don’t even really think about doing this, but this does really annoy me.
I started to think, wouldn’t it have been great if Paul had included this issue in his letter to Galatia. If I could write a letter to my church what would it say? Surely I would include the toddler issue, “How can you expect people to hear God when all they can hear is you cooing and your toddler screaming?” Truly, I am not a bad person. And obviously I don’t have children yet, or else I am sure I would be much more understanding. But…we have like 8 nurseries!!! If someone could give me a logical reason for this debauchery I am sure I would be much more sympathetic, but this just seems ludicrous to me at the moment.
ok, I’m done.
Back to my letter. Here it is:
Dear Church,
Let me start by saying that I like you. I would not keep coming back if I didn’t. I think your music is amazing and your pastor is always preaching the love. I like the love. “And they will know we are Christians by our love.” I know this is an old hymn but I think it may also be a bible verse but I can’t find it anywhere so that is debatable. But I truly believe this, and I think this is what real Christianity is all about, and I feel the love in this church.
You are also fun. I like coming to church. I have a good time here. I was a little intimidated by the already established relationships at first but I got over it and you welcomed me in. Thank you for accepting me even if I don’t quite fit your mold.
But I have one question…and it is not really a nice question. It is not the type of question you should ask of your church. It is not the type of question that an attending member of your church should be asking, but I need to know. It has been bugging me.
When it was time to change locations of our church because of building issues, why did you choose to move to the wealthiest area in our already super wealthy county? The location was not close to the old location. We lost several members because of this move, I imagine because of the distance. And I already heard your rehearsed justifications. You said that the new location was in a central area to all of Kansas City. Really? I just don’t buy it. Call me a cynic but I know you are looking to grow. And money makes growth a whole lot easier. We now meet in a middle school surrounded by mansions and homes of professional athletes. I apologize if I just don’t see how this location brings in all of KC metro. To me it seems like it is a location directed in bringing in all of KC metros high rollers. So cut the BS church. If this was your motive, shame on you, and own it. Maybe this is where you felt the Lord was taking you, people in mansions need God/love just as much as someone living on the street, but you need to be more open. I need you to be a little more candid with your motives church, because I am a skeptic.
I am sorry for doubting you and sorry that I do not trust you, but I don’t. I love you but you are run by people, and sometimes people can do things for the wrong reasons. Even if they think they are doing right. But maybe they are, I just don’t know. I am sorry for my doubts.
Love,
heidi- member (I sit on the right side near the front)
Well, obviously I am not a spiritual leader because my letter was nothing like Paul’s. My letter was judging. It was honest but judging. I am a judger. Thank goodness for people like Paul.
Drug addict, alcoholic, lazy, whore, useless, unmotivated, dirty, and gross.*
Bum.
Beggar.
This is an uncomfortable situation.
When I come across homeless people begging (which is not often where I live) I feel awkward, empathetic, frugal, and guilty. And in pretty much that order, but I always want to give. I think this is why it is so awkward.
Because I know.
Or at least I think I know.
That the money I give is going to drugs. The money I give is going to alcohol. The money I give is going to feed the man’s dog.
But who cares. Even if I know this for a FACT does it matter?
Should this keep me from giving?
No.
At least I don’t think so. Even if I know. It does not matter, at least I don’t think it matters to God.
I think we have been called to give no matter what the circumstances.
It doesn’t mean I always do.
I am just saying that deep in my gut, I believe I always should.
I believe that this is what we have been called to do as Christians.
Love without judgement.
“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
“The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’
Mathew 25:31-40
* I quickly want to note that I don’t think everyone who finds themself homeless has a drug or alcohol problem. Not even close.
Today I am battling worry. Me and worry are like good friends that spend a lot of time together but really, secretly, don’t like each other.
I spend many days worrying about everything from “will my alarm clock wake me up tomorrow morning” to “will I have a job next year.” I keep thinking:
Worry is like a rocking chair, it may occupy your mind for a while but it really doesn’t get you anywhere.
Ok, I think I butchered that saying, but you get the general idea. Worrying is pointless, it does not help anything and I cannot change the outcome of any event by worrying. Worry is especially pointless as a Christian. Doesn’t God call us not to worry and pray about everything? Is this even possible? Sure I pray, but that does not make my worry go away. At times I feel as though I am suffocating in all this fear- because isn’t that what worry really is, fear of the future? I am drowning in it. For two years now, since moving to Kansas and getting a teaching job, I have been worried about losing it (the job). Significant budget cuts are being made and schools are being forced to cut more and more teachers and I am the low man on the totem pole. I have been so worried, so fearful, and so stressed. And then, like an answer to prayer I received notice that I was going to be moved to a teaching position that is even better than the one I currently have (I was a traveling teacher and now I will be at one school). It is like an answer to prayer. For a while I wondered why I was so worried to begin with. God is in control right? Of course he is, everything went my way didn’t it? It is really is to believe that God is in control when everything is going your way. It is really easy to trust that God has a plan for your life when that plan is playing out just like YOU planned it. But just as easily as the relief and joy rushed in, the worry and fear came back. Kansas has changed their laws and the state is now able to terminate teachers all the way into June (in the past the law stated that you had to tell contracted employees by April 15th if they would not be contracted again). To make matters worse the law changed because of all the additional budget cuts districts may face that may cause them to have to get rid of more teachers.
So it’s back. The fear, the worry. I feel like I am drowning.
It is probably stupid. I more than likely have nothing to worry about. Every reasonable thought in me says that I have nothing to worry about. But worry isn’t always reasonable. In addition, would losing my job really be the end of the world? Of course not! I would be devastated because I love my job, but my life would not be over. My husband would still love me. We would still be able to get by financially, it would be a struggle but we could do it. Life would go on. I think more than anything it would hurt my pride. In fact, that is probably the biggest issue out of all of this. My pride. What an interesting, selfish revelation.
Anyways while dwelling on my worry this weekend I couldn’t help but ask myself how I would feel if I really truly believed God had a plan for me. Not the plan that I have set up; to be employed for a few years, save money, pop out a few kids, then work part-time , and on and on and on. How would my worrying be affected if I truly believed that God had a better plan for me. What if that plan did not include a teaching job next year? In theory I believe that God has a plan for me but in reality I obviously do not trust Him. If I truly trusted God and his plan than I would have absolutely no worry, no fear about what the future holds. It would be like freedom, it would mean true inner peace.
All this makes me think of Joseph (the Joseph and the technicolored dream coat Joseph). Once I stop thinking about Donny Osmond singing on stage I can actually focus on the story of Joseph. His life sucked, but God had a plan. Joseph started as a favorite son to a wealthy father, but his whole world soon crashed down around him. His brothers beat him out of jealousy, sold him to slavery, he was falsely accused of raping his masters wife, he was thrown into prison, and then…he became second in command to the most powerful man of that time.
God had a plan.
All throughout the story of Joseph it mentions that he did not worry because God was with him. When he was sold into slavery, he did not worry. When he was falsely accused of rape, he did not worry. When he went to prison, he did not worry. What would it be like to be so close to God that no matter what your circumstances, you never worry. How do you get to that place. How do you trust so much?
I believe, but I do not believe like that. I wish I did, it would be so comforting to know that God was with me and has a plan for me. And again, in theory, yes I believe this. But to truly believe would mean my worry would be gone, and that is by no means where I am at. That rocking chair is still rocking.
Dear Lord, please help me to trust in you and trust in the plans you have for me. I know that you
Genesis 37-41
Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Mom and Boys 