My few good men.

I love this photo.

It represents so much.

 

In this photo you can see my father, the man who influenced my life.

The man who taught me what it means to love a child.

The man who taught me how a man should treat a wife.

And what a spiritual leader in a home looks like.

My brothers.

Grant and Mike.

The men who always have my back.

Tell me the truth, even when it is hard to hear.

And are always there for me.

And lastly,

My boys.

The men I will mold.

The men that I will teach.

And lead.

Encourage.

And love always and forever.

No matter who they are.

What they become.

Through good years.

And bad years.

 

I will love them better.

Because I have been shown what true love is.

 

 

One of those moments.

It was last night.

Tucking my little Linc into bed after a long day.

After reading our book and saying a prayer I handed him his pet giraffe,

But he wanted something else.

After some whining and frustration with me not being able to figure out what he wanted,

He just grabbed my face.

And with both hands pulled me in for a sloppy little toddler kiss.

It was just one of those moments.

My favorite.

Today was a crazy day.

Lack of sleep.

Full day of work.

Teaching a tiring dance unit.

Taking a test for my masters course.

I’m beat.

But this was my favorite.

Coming home to my babies.

LOVE.

My Valentine Babies

Top 10 Things I LOVE About My Boys:

1. They make life fun.

2. Lincoln’s dimples.

3. Bowen’s big ‘ol lips.

4. The fact that Linc would rather watch basketball than cartoons.

5. Bo’s ability to already sleep 5 hours straight.

6. All the sloppy kisses I get every week.

7. Every high-five, cheer, and hug I receive just for being their mom.

8. Morning cuddle time.

9. Late night giggles.

10. And all the little moments I can’t put into words.  The privilege of raising two beautiful babies is more than I deserve and I thank God for them every day.

Our last ride.

I have been on again off again for what seems like forever with Lincoln’s dad, Isaac.

My mom sent me an email not too long ago that I really appreciated.  She was giving me some great advice on our relationship which is sometimes very difficult to hear.  She described my relationship with Isaac as a roller coaster.  When I started reading her email I was sort of disinterested.  Yes, Isaac and I are up and down.  Yes, it is frustrating, No, this can’t possibly really make either of us happy.

But then, at the very end she made a very good point.  It took me until the last lines for me to truly understand what she was getting at.

She could not have made it more clear if she had slapped me across the face with the truth.

Here is what she wrote:

 The picture is one of a roller coaster.  As you approach the ride, it looks filled with shrieks of excitement.  When you get on you are buckled in for safety because the creator knew this would be a wild ride.  You go straight up, the excitement is building – as with life, the anticipation of dreams and hopes and passion are so overwhelming that the thrill is beyond your imagination and intoxicating beyond belief.  The high is extreme as you approach the top of the ride – then an unforeseen sharp curve plunges you down.  Quickly and sharply further down than you can predict you go.  Into the depths of fear and doubt and mistrust which are horrific.  Horrific beyond what you had ever wanted.  And then slowly you gain your breath and the ride takes you back up for another emotional high – it is intoxication and the thrill draws you in once again but sooner that expected you are falling out of the sky and downward to a new low.  Can your body sustain the extremes?  Maybe for a while the highs make the lows worth while.  When you finally do get off the ride you are once again on solid ground.  As you look back you may ask yourself, “why do I want to do this again?”  Because the thrill is seductive it draws you in- but no ride keeps you on the thrill of the high.  As you walk away you notice a sign posted outside the ticket booth, NO small children allowed on this ride.  There is a reason – to protect those who are not yet strong enough to withstand the extremes that this type of ride brings to them.

Neither Isaac or myself want to put our son through anything that will hurt him.  We love Lincoln more than we love ourselves.  And I know my mom would probably like us both to go our own ways now.

But we are not.

We have decided to give it one more try.

A real try, for our kid, and for us, because there is a part of us that really does love the other person.  We just can’t seem to make it work.

We called our church.

We are going to counseling.

We are praying hard.

And we are trying.

If we still cannot make it work between us, we have decided that for the sake of our child.  We will both walk away.

I know a lot of people don’t even want us to try once more.

The ride we have been on has also affected our parents, our siblings, and the people who love us the most.

But this is it.

I want this to work, Isaac wants this to work.

I’m just scared.  I don’t want to be hurt by a doomed relationship anymore.  I hope this can be fixed and mended, but it will not be easy.

God Knew

So Isaac and I had our “dating” conversation on Saturday night.  And I decided that my first independent activity would be to go to church(although I did ask Isaac to come with).

I have not been to church in about a year.  When I was married my husband and I attended a church that I loved.  The message was right on, the people were great, and I was an active member in the children’s ministry.

But when Joe and I’s relationship started to crumble I moved out of our house and stopped attending our church.  I have never been back.

I was embarrassed that my marriage was falling apart.  And I didn’t want people to reach out to me.  I was hiding from God and my church community.

So today I went to a church that I have never been.  And it was great.

The funny thing is that todays service was all about relationships.  And  the pastor spent almost the entire service talking about how God feels about cohabitation and how it does not lead to the marriage and relationship that He strives for us to have.  (The pastor made this great graph demonstration that I will try to show on here because it was really helpful visual for me).

But I just thought it was amazing how God knew what I needed.  Of all the times for me to decide to go back to church and all the churches I could have attended and all the topics the pastor could have spoken on.

And somehow this Sunday’s message was all about me and what is going on in my life right now.

God knew.  And God cares.

This sucks.

I have had a tough weekend.

I feel like I am putting so much effort into making my relationship with Isaac work.

I am trying.

I don’t want to be in a relationship where we fight every other day.  I just can’t be a part of that anymore.

And I think I played a huge part in our arguments before, but I stopped. I have been doing everything in my power to avert an argument.  I have made a concerted effort to put everyone’s needs above mine.  When I disagree with something that is going on I have suppressed my feelings.  And when I have been angry with something, I have made a serious point not to take out my anger on Isaac and have tried to get comfortable with the fact that sometime things just don’t work out the way I want them to.

I am not saying I have been perfect, far from it, but I am trying and doing much better.

But it’s not working.  Isaac is still angry with me.  I feel like I am doing everything in my power to do right by him but it is not enough.

And at what point does trying to be loving and do what is best for others become being a doormat.  Because I feel like I am there- or almost there.

I know Isaac loves me.  But I honestly don’t think he likes me anymore.

It sucks (sorry for my lack of vocabulary) but it absolutely sucks.

I want to make this relationship work so badly.  I am doing everything in my power to be everything he needs.  I love Isaac.  He is a good person and a great father.  I have fun with him and I always enjoy being with him.

But I don’t think he feels the same way towards me anymore.

It sucks. It sucks.  It sucks.

I can’t feel like this anymore.  I can’t fight every day.  I can’t try so hard and fail all the time.

I want this, but at what point is it not worth it.  At what point is this destructive to everyone involved.

The View I Love the Most

What I see looking up at me every morning, every night, and all throughout the day.  I love you Lincoln.

When it comes to love, I’m lousy

Yesterday I went on a long walk and thought about my relationship with Isaac and my relationship with his kids.  I had just listened to a podcast by Andy Stanley on love and how to stay in love and I was psyched.

I made it a goal to try to put everyone before myself because I love Isaac and because I love Isaac I love his kids.  And this is what real love is- putting others before yourself.

I sincerely want to do what is best for everyone in this relationship- even his ex, Denise.  I have a desire to be the bigger person.  I want to love everyone the way Jesus loves me.  I really do.

But I suck at it.

Last night Isaac told me that his boy had a football game Saturday afternoon on a day that we had all planned on being together.  He also told me that I was not welcome.

That hurt.

And I know it is what is for the best.  I don’t think Denise is ready for me to be at her kids events and I don’t think the drama will be good for Isaac’s kids.  And I know me supporting Isaac is what is best for him.

But I blew it.

My emotions overtook what I knew was best and as a result Isaac and I had a huge fight.

I am sure Isaac does not feel loved because of my actions.  And I am sure he does not feel like I support him and have his kids best interest at heart.

And I feel like I failed.  Because I do love him and I do love his kids and I do want what is best for everyone.

I just suck at showing it.

Dear Lord Jesus,

Please help me love others like you loved me.  I want to, I guess I just can’t get over my own hurt in the situation.  Help me to not be selfish and put others interests above me own.

Seeking Solace at “Home”

Considering the mess I have made of my life, I have run away, briefly.

After spending a week crying on the phone to my mother she had had enough and told me to leave and seek some peace in Washington.  I had been hesitant to make this voyage at the beginning of the summer for several reasons, the largest being that I knew my mom would want to keep me.  I understand her motives and I understand her logic, but I cannot stay.

I have a life in Kansas City.

My baby has a father in Kansas City.

I have a good job that I love in Kansas City.

And I have a man that drives me absolutely insane but that I can’t help but love in Kansas City.

But I have no family in Kansas City.  And that man I love may not always be around for me.  I believe he will always be around for baby Lincoln, but maybe not for me.

So is home the life I have created somewhere in middle earth, or is home where your family is?  The family that loves me unconditionally.  Or does it really even matter?

Despite my mothers wishes, I have decided to stay in Kansas City, but I will be seeking some peace and perspective in Washington state for the next three weeks.  Maybe I can figure out the mess I have created.  Maybe I will grow closer to a God that I have left somewhere in what seems to be my distant past.  And hopefully I will find myself again.  The part of me that I have lost and the part of me that I am going to need to survive the future I have created.