Mom and Boys

Figuring it out one day at a time.

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Seeking Solace at “Home”

Considering the mess I have made of my life, I have run away, briefly.

After spending a week crying on the phone to my mother she had had enough and told me to leave and seek some peace in Washington.  I had been hesitant to make this voyage at the beginning of the summer for several reasons, the largest being that I knew my mom would want to keep me.  I understand her motives and I understand her logic, but I cannot stay.

I have a life in Kansas City.

My baby has a father in Kansas City.

I have a good job that I love in Kansas City.

And I have a man that drives me absolutely insane but that I can’t help but love in Kansas City.

But I have no family in Kansas City.  And that man I love may not always be around for me.  I believe he will always be around for baby Lincoln, but maybe not for me.

So is home the life I have created somewhere in middle earth, or is home where your family is?  The family that loves me unconditionally.  Or does it really even matter?

Despite my mothers wishes, I have decided to stay in Kansas City, but I will be seeking some peace and perspective in Washington state for the next three weeks.  Maybe I can figure out the mess I have created.  Maybe I will grow closer to a God that I have left somewhere in what seems to be my distant past.  And hopefully I will find myself again.  The part of me that I have lost and the part of me that I am going to need to survive the future I have created.


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The sin I wear.

Over the last 24 hours I have been thinking a lot about sin.  I have this amazing talent when it comes to sin, I am incredibly brilliant at noticing other people’s sin,  specifically other Christians.

Amazing isn’t it?

With that said, it is easy to see that I have my own inner vat of sin just leaking out of me at every chance it gets.  The thoughts really kill me.  The fact that my sinful thoughts are just as bad in the eyes of God as my sinful actions is completely disturbing.  Is there no reprieve?

One thing I always pride myself on (theirs another one, pride, I’m on a role), is that I know my own sin.  I fear that if you lain me down on a table and cut me open down the chest, you could visually see my black, bruised, sinful heart crawling with maggots and oozing with complacency.  I can feel this inside me, I know that it is there.

I am aware.

But I have come to think that being aware is not enough.  Being comfortable in the sin that I possess is dangerous. It is not enough to say “I am a prideful person, I am judgemental, and I gossip.  But that is just the way I am “.  I should be struggling with this.  Sitting around admitting that this sin exists in my life and then depending on God’s grace and love IS NOT ENOUGH.

It is not enough for me to know.

I know.

I need to be struggling.  Everyday struggling.

If I am not struggling, I am not growing.

“Each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed”  -James 1:14

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Today I am battling worry.  Me and worry are like good friends that spend a lot of time together but really, secretly, don’t like each other.

I spend many days worrying about everything from “will my alarm clock wake me up tomorrow morning” to “will I have a job next year.”  I keep thinking:

Worry is like a rocking chair, it may occupy your mind for a while but it really doesn’t get you anywhere.

Ok, I think I butchered that saying, but you get the general idea.  Worrying is pointless, it does not help anything and I cannot change the outcome of any event by worrying.  Worry is especially pointless as a Christian.  Doesn’t God call us not to worry and pray about everything?  Is this even possible?  Sure I pray, but that does not make my worry go away.  At times I feel as though I am suffocating in all this fear- because isn’t that what worry really is, fear of the future?  I am drowning in it.  For two years now, since moving to Kansas and getting a teaching job, I have been worried about losing it (the job).  Significant budget cuts are being made and schools are being forced to cut more and more teachers and I am the low man on the totem pole.  I have been so worried, so fearful, and so stressed.  And then, like an answer to prayer I received notice that I was going to be moved to a teaching position that is even better than the one I currently have (I was a traveling teacher and now I will be at one school).  It is like an answer to prayer.  For a while I wondered why I was so worried to begin with.  God is in control right?  Of course he is, everything went my way didn’t it?  It is really is to believe that God is in control when everything is going your way.  It is really easy to trust that God has a plan for your life when that plan is playing out just like YOU planned it.  But just as easily as the relief and joy rushed in, the worry and fear came back.  Kansas has changed their laws and the state is now able to terminate teachers all the way into June (in the past the law stated that you had to tell contracted employees by April 15th if they would not be contracted again).  To make matters worse the law changed because of all the additional budget cuts districts may face that may cause them to have to get rid of more teachers.

So it’s back.  The fear, the worry.  I feel like I am drowning.

It is probably stupid.  I more than likely have nothing to worry about.  Every reasonable thought in me says that I have nothing to worry about.  But worry isn’t always reasonable.  In addition, would losing my job really be the end of the world?  Of course not!  I would be devastated because I love my job, but my life would not be over.  My husband would still love me.  We would still be able to get by financially, it would be a struggle but we could do it.  Life would go on.  I think more than anything it would hurt my pride.  In fact, that is probably the biggest issue out of all of this.  My pride.  What an interesting, selfish revelation.

Anyways while dwelling on my worry this weekend I couldn’t help but ask myself how I would feel if I really truly believed God had a plan for me.  Not the plan that I have set up; to be employed for a few years, save money, pop out a few kids, then work part-time , and on and on and on.  How would my worrying be affected if I truly believed that God had a better plan for me.  What if that plan did not include a teaching job next year?  In theory I believe that God has a plan for me but in reality I obviously do not trust Him.  If I truly trusted God and his plan than I would have absolutely no worry, no fear about what the future holds.  It would be like freedom, it would mean true inner peace.

All this makes me think of Joseph (the Joseph and the technicolored dream coat Joseph).  Once I stop thinking about Donny Osmond singing on stage I can actually focus on the story of Joseph.  His life sucked, but God had a plan.  Joseph started as a favorite son to a wealthy father, but his whole world soon crashed down around him.  His brothers beat him out of jealousy, sold him to slavery, he was falsely accused of raping his masters wife, he was thrown into prison, and then…he became second in command to the most powerful man of that time.

God had a plan.

All throughout the story of Joseph it mentions that he did not worry because God was with him.  When he was sold into slavery, he did not worry.  When he was falsely accused of rape, he did not worry.  When he went to prison, he did not worry.  What would it be like to be so close to God that no matter what your circumstances, you never worry.  How do you get to that place.  How do you trust so much?

I believe, but I do not believe like that.  I wish I did, it would be so comforting to know that God was with me and has a plan for me.  And again, in theory, yes I believe this.  But to truly believe would mean my worry would be gone, and that is by no means where I am at.  That rocking chair is still rocking.

Dear Lord, please help me to trust in you and trust in the plans you have for me.  I know that you

Genesis 37-41

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.