Mom and Boys

Figuring it out one day at a time.


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Top 5 Lunch Peeves

I don’t know if it is just the lack of sleep or what is going on, but people are driving me crazy.  Even more than usual.  I am sure I do many things to irritate people but here is my list of lunch time pet peeves.

  1.  See-Food Eater: The person who just doesn’t understand that you should swallow your food before talking.  Nothing is so important that it can’t wait until you chew.  If you talk with food in your mouth not only am I grossed out by what I see, but the sound of food stuck in the back of your throat while you speak is enough to make me bang my head against a wall.  I am no longer paying any attention to what you are saying.  Instead, all I am thinking is “please stop talking, please stop talking” on repeat until you are finished or finally feel the urge to swallow.
  2. I’m sooooo full girl: No you’re not.  You ate 3 wheat thins and a diet coke.  Screw you, you are not full and saying you are only pisses me off  because me and the rest of the table just scarfed down four times as much as you and if there was more food in front of me I would still be going.  Everyone at the table knows you are not full and instead you sit here and arrogantly say that garbage to make the rest of us feel fatter than we already do.  Believe me, I do enough damage to my self-esteem without you helping tear it down while trying to build up yours.  Please, eat a darn cookie and shut your face.
  3. I can’t stop talking/complaining about work girl: No one cares.  We all work all day long, everyday is different but pretty much the same and I want to enter the lounge and relax, not talk about the intricate details your job.  Not to mention the fact that you never have anything positive to say.  If you don’t like your job or think it is soooo difficult, do something else.  But I like my job, I enjoy being here.  And yes, sometimes it is tough but I still like it.  If you want to be a negative nancy, fine, but don’t bring the rest of us down by having to listen to you.
  4. Microwave Hog: We have 30 minutes for lunch, and that is being technical.  Really if you take away the time we spend doing something else we have to do like going to the restroom or checking our email before we have students again, we actually end up having 20 minutes.  So, if you decide to heat up a meal that takes eight minutes and three other people need to heat things up….um, do the math.  Be kind, if you bring a microwave meal, fine.  But put yourself last in line if it takes more than five minutes.
  5. Anti-social and Way Busier Than You Girl: This person races in, and races out of the lounge like the pope himself is waiting for her in her classroom.  You’re not that special, and there is no possible way that you are that much busier than the rest of us every single day.  Sit down and eat with your coworkers.  We probably like you and want to say “hi” every now and then, and if we don’t like you, at the very least you will give us something to talk about later. Just joking. Promise.

 

***Just a little disclaimer. I really enjoy and like the people I work with. This is all in jest. Sometimes even people you like can get on your nerves every now and then.

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My few good men.

good menI love this photo.

It represents so much.

 

In this photo you can see my father, the man who influenced my life.

The man who taught me what it means to love a child.

The man who taught me how a man should treat a wife.

And what a spiritual leader in a home looks like.

My brothers.

Grant and Mike.

The men who always have my back.

Tell me the truth, even when it is hard to hear.

And are always there for me.

And lastly,

My boys.

The men I will mold.

The men that I will teach.

And lead.

Encourage.

And love always and forever.

No matter who they are.

What they become.

Through good years.

And bad years.

 

I will love them better.

Because I have been shown what true love is.

 

 


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This is hard.

Sometimes life sucks.

I have the two loves of my world to always be thankful for.

But when the little ones sleep,

and the quiet takes over.

Sometimes life just sucks.

I am stuck with my thoughts.

Missing someone who is not right for me.

Wanting him,

But being so angry with him at the same time.

Hurt.

Hurt, angry, lonely, and missing him.

Wanting him here.

We could watch Tosh.O

He could mess with my feet.

And eat crappy food.

Talk about how cute Linc is.

And love on Baby Bowen.

But I am here.

Hurt, angry, and alone.

But I know it is what is best.

It is such a confusing feeling when what is best for you in the long run, sucks so bad in the right now.

That is why we keep going back to each other.

We can’t ever fully live in the hurt.

We keep going back to the instant gratification of being together,

Even though it isn’t what is best.

The relationship part of my life is just so bruised and broken.

I don’t feel I will ever truly recover.

I have screwed it up too bad.

Made too many mistakes.

Fallen in love with someone who will never be right.

Lost myself somewhere along the way.

I need to heal.

But sometimes healing is more painful than the actual injury.

I need to pray.

 

Take the anger first Lord.  It is nothing but sour.

Take the hurt next.  My heart cannot take much more.

And fill the loneliness with nothing but you God.  For everything else is a facade.

If you are truly the Prince of Peace, reign over me now.

Sit with me when I am lonely.

Cherish with me, these moments I find so dear.

Draw close to me Lord, for I need a friend.

 

Similar Posts: Getting Used to Being Lonely Our Last Ride Friday Night Alone Again


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“Mine!”

DSC00658

Just in case any of you plan on visiting any time soon (mom and dad), I thought it may be useful to let you know what Lincoln has so eloquently laid claim to these last few days.

Blue chair, his.

Toy car, his.

Red leggo, blue leggo, all leggos, his.

Milk, actually his.

My arm.

Bowen’s foot.

Basically any blanket in the house.

All his.

Almost all the books, his.

The orange ball.

The stuffed pig.

My pants (I believe its only the ones I am wearing, he didn’t specify.)

The big blocks.

The little blocks.

Happy feet.

Scout.

Bowens dirty diaper.

And my keys.

His, his, and his.

There is really very little that has not been declared, “MINE!” these days by the short little blonde haired child that I let live in my house.

Oh wait, I’m sure that’s his too.


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Getting used to be lonely.

Well despite our best efforts, Isaac and I did not work.

I’m really sad.

As volatile and stressful as our relationship was, I still really like him.

I guess that was why we kept trying things.  Despite all of the arguing, and all of the awful things that happened, I always wanted to keep trying.

But I can’t any more.

Lincoln is more important and he does not need to watch his parents struggle through their relationship forever.

I know it is what is best…at least I think so.  I keep struggling with many moments of doubt of whether or not I am doing the right thing.  And to be honest, I don’t really know for sure.

What I do know, is that if you keep doing the same thing, you will keep getting the same results.

But doing something different when you have been with someone so long is really tough.

It is like a huge void in my life. There is a huge gap  in my time, heart, and mind where Isaac used to be and I need to learn to fill it with something else

It is really lonely.

Even though I am not technically alone.

I always have Lincoln crawling around and right now a very worn out dog is sitting at my feet.  So I am never really alone, but I don’t have a partner anymore.

I lost a best friend.

I lost a co-parent.

But I also lost all of the negatives that went along with having those things.

I keep telling myself this will be better, and I think deep down I know that is probably true.  But I think it will take time to get to that better place.

Right now I am just sad and pretty lonely.

I miss having another adult around, even if Isaac wasn’t around every day he was still a phone call away.

I am sure I will get used to it, it is just so fresh.

This will just take time.

I just need to adjust.


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We are blending…and we went to the zoo!

This weekend we were still both overwhelmed by the shooting near my house so I stayed with Isaac all weekend.

This wouldn’t be such a big deal except for he had his other two kids this weekend.

I have spent some time with them before and Lincoln loves being around his brother and sister, but a whole weekend is a completely different ballgame.

First of all, Isaac and I just decided to give this relationship another try and now all of a sudden we are pushed, by crazy circumstances, into moving things much quicker than we would have under a different scenario.

I wouldn’t have chosen this.

I don’t think he would have either.

Not that it is bad, it is just difficult.  I think we have enough struggles the two of us but to add blended family time into things without a break…crazy.

I think I probably have the toughest time with this out of anyone.

This role of step-girlfriend, mom of your brother, and girlfriend to your dad is a really tough one for me.

I have a hard time knowing were I fit in.

I often hear, to no fault of Isaac’s, “this is how we do things”, “we do it like this”, and “this is our tradition.” It can be really hard.  Every other weekend we, meaning Isaac, Linc, and myself, have our own way of doing things.  Our own traditions.  Our own habits.

And all the sudden I feel like the outcast.

I am the one person in this family of five who is not blood related to everyone else.  I am the one person who has not known everyone else since birth. I am the only one who has not developed relationships, and traditions with the rest since the beginning.

It is a very tough feeling.  I struggle with this in a way I never thought that I would.  And then, I struggle with the fact that I struggle.

Am I being selfish?  Am I being over sensitive?  Why does this make me feel so sad and insecure?

Are my feelings normal?

Anyways…on a positive note.  The weekend went pretty well.  I had fun with our blended little bunch.  We went to the zoo, which was a first for me.  We went swimming.  And on Sunday we all went to church.  It was a great weekend.  I did have to leave for a couple of hours on Saturday night just to have some space for myself (I am not really sure why I needed this but I did).

The weekend was fun.

Lincoln and his sister Jordyn at the zoo.


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Our last ride.

I have been on again off again for what seems like forever with Lincoln’s dad, Isaac.

My mom sent me an email not too long ago that I really appreciated.  She was giving me some great advice on our relationship which is sometimes very difficult to hear.  She described my relationship with Isaac as a roller coaster.  When I started reading her email I was sort of disinterested.  Yes, Isaac and I are up and down.  Yes, it is frustrating, No, this can’t possibly really make either of us happy.

But then, at the very end she made a very good point.  It took me until the last lines for me to truly understand what she was getting at.

She could not have made it more clear if she had slapped me across the face with the truth.

Here is what she wrote:

 The picture is one of a roller coaster.  As you approach the ride, it looks filled with shrieks of excitement.  When you get on you are buckled in for safety because the creator knew this would be a wild ride.  You go straight up, the excitement is building – as with life, the anticipation of dreams and hopes and passion are so overwhelming that the thrill is beyond your imagination and intoxicating beyond belief.  The high is extreme as you approach the top of the ride – then an unforeseen sharp curve plunges you down.  Quickly and sharply further down than you can predict you go.  Into the depths of fear and doubt and mistrust which are horrific.  Horrific beyond what you had ever wanted.  And then slowly you gain your breath and the ride takes you back up for another emotional high – it is intoxication and the thrill draws you in once again but sooner that expected you are falling out of the sky and downward to a new low.  Can your body sustain the extremes?  Maybe for a while the highs make the lows worth while.  When you finally do get off the ride you are once again on solid ground.  As you look back you may ask yourself, “why do I want to do this again?”  Because the thrill is seductive it draws you in- but no ride keeps you on the thrill of the high.  As you walk away you notice a sign posted outside the ticket booth, NO small children allowed on this ride.  There is a reason – to protect those who are not yet strong enough to withstand the extremes that this type of ride brings to them.

Neither Isaac or myself want to put our son through anything that will hurt him.  We love Lincoln more than we love ourselves.  And I know my mom would probably like us both to go our own ways now.

But we are not.

We have decided to give it one more try.

A real try, for our kid, and for us, because there is a part of us that really does love the other person.  We just can’t seem to make it work.

We called our church.

We are going to counseling.

We are praying hard.

And we are trying.

If we still cannot make it work between us, we have decided that for the sake of our child.  We will both walk away.

I know a lot of people don’t even want us to try once more.

The ride we have been on has also affected our parents, our siblings, and the people who love us the most.

But this is it.

I want this to work, Isaac wants this to work.

I’m just scared.  I don’t want to be hurt by a doomed relationship anymore.  I hope this can be fixed and mended, but it will not be easy.